It has been another weekend where I am really glad that I don't own a gun. Saturday was dominated by waiting two hours at an urgent care center. Fine, I can actually wait with the best of them. And the office had a policy, as evidenced by no fewer than seven or eight prominent signs, that all cellular phones should be turned off. So, at least the wait should have been relatively free of irritation.
Enter Fat Oaf #1. I could tell he was trouble from the minute he came in. He was sharing way too much information with the poor receptionist, who finally had to tell him to sit down to fill out his paperwork. He would occasionally go back up to the window to talk to her some more...about past foot problems, about changes in his diet, about his plans for the day. And for whatever reason, he was carrying around two briefcases. I can only imagine what kind of business he does.
Anyway, despite the signs, he sits down and pulls out his cell phone to call an acquaintance. To make matters worse, he went into harrowing detail about the cyst that had necessitated medical treatment. He also unintentionally informed the 20 or so of us in the waiting room that sometimes they just drain them but sometimes they have to cut them out. But they always come back.
I was so irritated that I actually moved one of the signs so that it was facing directly at him. After another couple of minutes, I pushed it closer toward him. He didn't get it, but a few other people in the office thought it was funny.
So, then I am at CVS waiting for some antibiotics. Enter Fat Oaf #2, who was either keeling over to die on the pharmacy's countertop or also waiting for his prescription. I am still not sure. He was using both a shopping cart and a wall for support, and because no one could tell what he was doing, no one else moved up to the counter for help.
Good times.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
3-D EPISODE OF TV SHOW PRIMARILY INVOLVES TWO-DIMENSIONAL IMAGES
How great are DVR's? Through the miracle of the DVR, I was able last night to watch a 3-D episode of NBC's show "Medium." Amy and I put our special glasses on and prepared to be amazed. Only portions were in 3-D, so the show had a special "3-D" icon that would appear when you needed to be sure to have the glasses on.
Interestingly, the icon first appeared as the camera panned along a flat wall and focused on a series of paintings, which are of course also flat. Pretty much throughout the episode, whenever a painting appeared so did the icon.
As an aside, there was a funny incident when a co-worker was in my office and put the 3-D glasses on and then moved his hands back and forth away from him. Um, that's already in 3-D, Andy. :)
Interestingly, the icon first appeared as the camera panned along a flat wall and focused on a series of paintings, which are of course also flat. Pretty much throughout the episode, whenever a painting appeared so did the icon.
As an aside, there was a funny incident when a co-worker was in my office and put the 3-D glasses on and then moved his hands back and forth away from him. Um, that's already in 3-D, Andy. :)
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
LICE REMEDY A LITTLE TOO EXCITED ABOUT LICE
This is one of those things that probably only I will find funny...but I was in CVS this morning killing time while they filled a prescription. So, I'm strolling the aisles and I spy this product and start chuckling. Something about the extra "E" and the exclamation point is hysterical to me. Like, you can just imagine some formerly lice-ridden soul shouting it from the mountaintop.
Again, it's probably just me.
Monday, December 12, 2005
EVERY TRIP TO "COSTCO" A JOURNEY TO THE VERY MOUTH OF HELL
Few experiences put me in a fetal position faster than a trip to a Costco warehouse. I hate crowds, I hate navigating shopping carts, and I hate looking for parking. Thus, Costco presents a veritable trifecta of intense aggravation.
The most notable incident occurred several months ago, but makes for a good story. Amy and I had gone to Costco and, of course, it was crowded beyond belief. Carts were in short supply. We had placed several items in our cart and then politely parked it in an aisle while we picked up some more stuff (rather than push the cart around everywhere...it's just easier for everyone). We came back after a few minutes, and some jackass had removed our stuff -- some of which was quite heavy -- and taken our cart. Bastards!
The most notable incident occurred several months ago, but makes for a good story. Amy and I had gone to Costco and, of course, it was crowded beyond belief. Carts were in short supply. We had placed several items in our cart and then politely parked it in an aisle while we picked up some more stuff (rather than push the cart around everywhere...it's just easier for everyone). We came back after a few minutes, and some jackass had removed our stuff -- some of which was quite heavy -- and taken our cart. Bastards!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
NEW LEVEL OF GEEKDOM
During my dream last night, I was actually making mental notes of incidents that would make good blog posts.
It was a very strange dream to say the least. The one headline that I can remember was "White Supremacists Now Using Oatmeal, Raccoons to Lure New Recruits." I swear to god.
It was a very strange dream to say the least. The one headline that I can remember was "White Supremacists Now Using Oatmeal, Raccoons to Lure New Recruits." I swear to god.
WOMAN KEEPS FRIEND, FOUR AISLES OF "TARGET" UP-TO-DATE ON HER CHRISTMAS-LIGHT PURCHASING DECISIONS
There is not much to the story beyond the headline except to add that people who talk loudly on their cell phones in public should have their voiceboxes removed with a sharp Number 2 pencil.
Vegas, Baby, Vegas
Recently back from Las Vegas. Amy and I got married. Here are some of the idiots we encountered...
VEGAS SHOW IS EROTIC, IF BY "EROTIC" YOU MEAN AVERAGE-LOOKING PEOPLE IN PADDED UNITARDS
Amy and I went to see a Vegas show called "The Fashionistas." We thought it would be a fun way to say goodbye to our families and finally have some time to ourselves. At least we had very good seats. The plot, such as it was, purported to involve fashion shows, S&M, "easter eggs" on DVD's and some sort of ultimate choice between good and evil for a fashion designer named Antonio. At least that is what the program said. As there was no dialogue in the show, I'll have to take their word for it. Interestingly, both Good and Evil were represented by women with different fetishes, but the erotic show featured no nudity. However, at some point, there was a guy humping a shoe to loud industrial music.
The show was hailed by local celebrity Robin Leach in the advertising. As an aside, one bartender at a nearby casino informed us that Mr. Leach never tips.
LINE OF MEN JUST WANTS TO TELL THE NICE PEOPLE ABOUT THE STRIPPERS
One of the most irritating things about Vegas is the seemingly constant onslaught of people trying to push leaflets about strippers and "escorts" at you. I actually feel bad for the people that have to hand these out -- I don't think anyone says that's what they want to be when they grow up -- but it gets a little intrusive. Also, it doesn't seem to matter if you are walking with a girlfriend, child or mother.
The last we saw, there is a 25% discount on Melanie while supplies last.
WOMAN RECLINES TWO-FOOT-TALL CHILD'S SEAT INTO KNEES OF SIX-FOOT-SIX MAN
Why do airline seats even recline? As someone who's 6'6", it is bad enough when the seats are in their full, upright positions. Typically, I cannot even get the foodtray over my knees. Anyway, I thought the seat in front of me on the way back was empty, so I figured I would be okay. But this woman in the seat next to it, leaned over and leaned it back. Then, she looked back at me to ask if I was okay and mumbled something. I assumed that she had made a mistake, and I tried to push the seat back up. Turned out that she was reclining the seat for her kid, whose legs barely dangled off the seat.
Naturally, I spent most of the flight trying to burn a whole in the back of her head with my mind.
On the way off the plane, her kid was demanding to keep something, and after a few moments his mother relented. Turned out that it was the safety information for the plane. Yeah, no one needs that.
*****
There were other noteworthy incidents, but those are the ones that stick out.
VEGAS SHOW IS EROTIC, IF BY "EROTIC" YOU MEAN AVERAGE-LOOKING PEOPLE IN PADDED UNITARDS
Amy and I went to see a Vegas show called "The Fashionistas." We thought it would be a fun way to say goodbye to our families and finally have some time to ourselves. At least we had very good seats. The plot, such as it was, purported to involve fashion shows, S&M, "easter eggs" on DVD's and some sort of ultimate choice between good and evil for a fashion designer named Antonio. At least that is what the program said. As there was no dialogue in the show, I'll have to take their word for it. Interestingly, both Good and Evil were represented by women with different fetishes, but the erotic show featured no nudity. However, at some point, there was a guy humping a shoe to loud industrial music.
The show was hailed by local celebrity Robin Leach in the advertising. As an aside, one bartender at a nearby casino informed us that Mr. Leach never tips.
LINE OF MEN JUST WANTS TO TELL THE NICE PEOPLE ABOUT THE STRIPPERS
One of the most irritating things about Vegas is the seemingly constant onslaught of people trying to push leaflets about strippers and "escorts" at you. I actually feel bad for the people that have to hand these out -- I don't think anyone says that's what they want to be when they grow up -- but it gets a little intrusive. Also, it doesn't seem to matter if you are walking with a girlfriend, child or mother.
The last we saw, there is a 25% discount on Melanie while supplies last.
WOMAN RECLINES TWO-FOOT-TALL CHILD'S SEAT INTO KNEES OF SIX-FOOT-SIX MAN
Why do airline seats even recline? As someone who's 6'6", it is bad enough when the seats are in their full, upright positions. Typically, I cannot even get the foodtray over my knees. Anyway, I thought the seat in front of me on the way back was empty, so I figured I would be okay. But this woman in the seat next to it, leaned over and leaned it back. Then, she looked back at me to ask if I was okay and mumbled something. I assumed that she had made a mistake, and I tried to push the seat back up. Turned out that she was reclining the seat for her kid, whose legs barely dangled off the seat.
Naturally, I spent most of the flight trying to burn a whole in the back of her head with my mind.
On the way off the plane, her kid was demanding to keep something, and after a few moments his mother relented. Turned out that it was the safety information for the plane. Yeah, no one needs that.
*****
There were other noteworthy incidents, but those are the ones that stick out.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
BUSINESS TRAVEL: PART DEUX
Took another business trip recently...
DON'T WANT TO RUSH TO JUDGMENT, BUT HYSTERICAL WOMAN RUNNING IN FRONT OF ROLLING, EMPTY CAR MAY HAVE DONE SOMETHING STUPID
I didn't even get to the airport before having something blogworthy. I was in my lane to exit to the airport, when I noticed that a car in the distance was having car trouble, so I got over a lane to get by it. As I got closer, I saw a woman waving her arms wildly. I assumed that she was trying to flag down help. As I got closer still, I realized that she was running. As I got even closer, I realized that she was running in front of her car, which was rolling downhill. The hood was up and there was no one in the driver's seat. I was just glad to get by her and make my flight, though I was curious how it turned out.
EXPERT ON EVERYTHING ABLE TO DETECT BLATANT SARCASM, REPORT IT TO OTHERS
I hate waiting in lines at the airport and overhearing some blowhard ramble on and on about everything he/she knows about travel, airports, anything. The guy behind me was sharing lots of information with his disinterested companion, everything from how it can be bad if your check-in line and the security line are both long to the relative fairness of pricing at the airport's PGA store.
Anyway, there was some kind of incident at the security checkpoint. A couple of Middle Eastern men were told that they had to leave the check-in area; I don't know if they didn't have tickets or what exactly the problem was. There were some raised voices and eventually the men agreed to leave. As they did, the woman running the checkpoint -- absolutely dripping with sarcasm -- waved, smiled and said "Have a nice day!"
Mr. Expert's analysis: "When she said 'have a nice day,' she was being sarcastic. I could just tell."
CONCEPT OF "LINE" DOES NOT APPLY TO WOMAN FOR SOME REASON
So, I'm in line to buy a Diet Coke and gum before getting onto my flight. Someone is currently being helped and a few people get in line behind me. Then, this one woman ambles up on the side with her People magazine and goes up to the cashier when I was next. What the f***? I guess it was an emergency. I mean, Kenney Chesney was telling his side...finally!
SLEEP PREVENTED BY CONCERNS THAT "RELAXING NATURE SOUNDS" ARE DISTURBING OTHER HOTEL GUESTS
I need background noise to sleep, and I purchased a clock that has relaxing nature sounds like surf, crickets, etc. I plugged it in to help me go to sleep in the hotel and began to drift off to sleep. But then I was getting worried that the seagull sounds on the "surf" option might be bothering the people in the rooms next to mine. I worried about it so much that I couldn't go to sleep and eventually got up and turned the clock off.
HEROIC T.S.A. EMPLOYEE NARROWLY PREVENTS FATIGUE-ADDLED MAN FROM INADVERTENTLY ENTERING WOMEN'S RESTROOM IN AIRPORT
Lest anyone think that I am incapable of doing something dumb myself.
DO PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FIGURE OUT AIRPLANE SEATBELT ON THEIR OWN DESERVE TO SURVIVE EVEN A MINOR INCIDENT?
I think we should replace the standard take-off speech with a statement that instructions on how to use the seatbelt will be available through the cabin door once we take off.
FOOTREST IN PROHIBITED "DOWN" POSITION APPARENTLY ENDANGERS LIVES OF EVERYONE ONBOARD
I am the guy on the plane that glares at people who stay on their cell phones after the announcement is made to turn off electronic devices and hates people that have their seats even slightly reclined while landing. However, the guy across the aisle from me was reprimanded for having his footrest down during takeoff and again during landing. I see, so if this plane piles into the side of a mountain, that footrest could make a life-or-death difference to anyone? Come on.
DON'T WANT TO RUSH TO JUDGMENT, BUT HYSTERICAL WOMAN RUNNING IN FRONT OF ROLLING, EMPTY CAR MAY HAVE DONE SOMETHING STUPID
I didn't even get to the airport before having something blogworthy. I was in my lane to exit to the airport, when I noticed that a car in the distance was having car trouble, so I got over a lane to get by it. As I got closer, I saw a woman waving her arms wildly. I assumed that she was trying to flag down help. As I got closer still, I realized that she was running. As I got even closer, I realized that she was running in front of her car, which was rolling downhill. The hood was up and there was no one in the driver's seat. I was just glad to get by her and make my flight, though I was curious how it turned out.
EXPERT ON EVERYTHING ABLE TO DETECT BLATANT SARCASM, REPORT IT TO OTHERS
I hate waiting in lines at the airport and overhearing some blowhard ramble on and on about everything he/she knows about travel, airports, anything. The guy behind me was sharing lots of information with his disinterested companion, everything from how it can be bad if your check-in line and the security line are both long to the relative fairness of pricing at the airport's PGA store.
Anyway, there was some kind of incident at the security checkpoint. A couple of Middle Eastern men were told that they had to leave the check-in area; I don't know if they didn't have tickets or what exactly the problem was. There were some raised voices and eventually the men agreed to leave. As they did, the woman running the checkpoint -- absolutely dripping with sarcasm -- waved, smiled and said "Have a nice day!"
Mr. Expert's analysis: "When she said 'have a nice day,' she was being sarcastic. I could just tell."
CONCEPT OF "LINE" DOES NOT APPLY TO WOMAN FOR SOME REASON
So, I'm in line to buy a Diet Coke and gum before getting onto my flight. Someone is currently being helped and a few people get in line behind me. Then, this one woman ambles up on the side with her People magazine and goes up to the cashier when I was next. What the f***? I guess it was an emergency. I mean, Kenney Chesney was telling his side...finally!
SLEEP PREVENTED BY CONCERNS THAT "RELAXING NATURE SOUNDS" ARE DISTURBING OTHER HOTEL GUESTS
I need background noise to sleep, and I purchased a clock that has relaxing nature sounds like surf, crickets, etc. I plugged it in to help me go to sleep in the hotel and began to drift off to sleep. But then I was getting worried that the seagull sounds on the "surf" option might be bothering the people in the rooms next to mine. I worried about it so much that I couldn't go to sleep and eventually got up and turned the clock off.
HEROIC T.S.A. EMPLOYEE NARROWLY PREVENTS FATIGUE-ADDLED MAN FROM INADVERTENTLY ENTERING WOMEN'S RESTROOM IN AIRPORT
Lest anyone think that I am incapable of doing something dumb myself.
DO PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FIGURE OUT AIRPLANE SEATBELT ON THEIR OWN DESERVE TO SURVIVE EVEN A MINOR INCIDENT?
I think we should replace the standard take-off speech with a statement that instructions on how to use the seatbelt will be available through the cabin door once we take off.
FOOTREST IN PROHIBITED "DOWN" POSITION APPARENTLY ENDANGERS LIVES OF EVERYONE ONBOARD
I am the guy on the plane that glares at people who stay on their cell phones after the announcement is made to turn off electronic devices and hates people that have their seats even slightly reclined while landing. However, the guy across the aisle from me was reprimanded for having his footrest down during takeoff and again during landing. I see, so if this plane piles into the side of a mountain, that footrest could make a life-or-death difference to anyone? Come on.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Mad, Mad World
Been a while since I posted. Here are some ramblings...
FRENCH ENJOYING NOVEL EXPERIENCE OF BEING VIOLENTLY OVERRUN BY NON-GERMANS
What is the deal with France and these riots? I feel a little bit like I did after Katrina in the United States. It's just amazing in this day and age whenever order simply cannot be restored. Of course, the French leadership is already taking a vintage appeasement approach. I'm sorry, but you're upset that you're poor and don't have a job? How does torching 6,000 cars and some schools make a case for including you in society?
LEADER OF FREE WORLD PROMISES TO VETO BAN ON TORTURE
Okay, granted the world today is a little topsy-turvy, but I still have trouble fathoming that an American leader is opposed to a ban on torture. I think of America as a country that always takes the high road on these kinds of issues. John McCain has come out saying that torture doesn't get you reliable information, and I'm inclined to take his word for it, of all people.
In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts.
FRENCH ENJOYING NOVEL EXPERIENCE OF BEING VIOLENTLY OVERRUN BY NON-GERMANS
What is the deal with France and these riots? I feel a little bit like I did after Katrina in the United States. It's just amazing in this day and age whenever order simply cannot be restored. Of course, the French leadership is already taking a vintage appeasement approach. I'm sorry, but you're upset that you're poor and don't have a job? How does torching 6,000 cars and some schools make a case for including you in society?
LEADER OF FREE WORLD PROMISES TO VETO BAN ON TORTURE
Okay, granted the world today is a little topsy-turvy, but I still have trouble fathoming that an American leader is opposed to a ban on torture. I think of America as a country that always takes the high road on these kinds of issues. John McCain has come out saying that torture doesn't get you reliable information, and I'm inclined to take his word for it, of all people.
In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Easy to Imagine Children in Crawlspace of Creepy, Countryside Child Therapy Center
We went to a wedding in Warrenton, Virginia this weekend. Heading down US-29 towards the amazing property where the wedding was held, I passed what was probably the country's creepiest child therapy center. It was basically a decrepit country house with a decrepit hand-painted sign above the decrepit porch proclaiming that it was a child therapy center. It looked more like something you'd see on the news, surrounded by yellow tape and police sirens, right after a few blurry last-known photographs.
Monday, October 24, 2005
The Joys of Business Travel
I have recently been doing a fair amount of business travel. Here are the highlights from my trip home last Friday.
KANSAS CITY INTERNATIONAL: AMERICA'S CLOCKLESS AIRPORT
I had an important late-afternoon meeting that I expected would leave me with little time to make it to the airport. As it turned out, I left the rental car lot with about an hour before my flight home would begin boarding. However, after checking in (electronically of course, so as to avoid any human contact), I realized that I had no idea what time it was. My iPod battery was dead and my phone was deep in my bag. To my dismay, I could not see a clock anywhere, so I bought something because the time would appear on the receipt.
AIRPORT BARTENDRESS UNABLE TO PUT CHIEFS GAME ON BECAUSE MANAGER WITH AUTHORITY TO CHANGE CHANNEL WATCHING CHIEFS GAME IN OTHER AIRPORT BAR
There's not much more to this than the headline suggests, but I thought it was pretty funny.
AIRPORT SPRINKLERS, ON DURING RAIN STORM, AIMED PRIMARILY AT PEDESTRIAN WALKWAY
I arrived to a mild rain at Reagan National Airport around 11 p.m. I managed to stay relatively dry until I hit the pedestrian walkway to the remote parking lot I had parked in. Bounded by walls on both sides, there was no way to avoid being hit by the sprinklers that were apparently dedicated to watering 10% of the surrounding greenery and 100% of the sidewalk.
BARRAGE OF CONTRADICTORY TRAFFIC SIGNS APPEARS TO PROHIBIT EVERY CONCEIVABLE EXIT FROM PARKING LOT
Again, not much more to it than that.
KANSAS CITY INTERNATIONAL: AMERICA'S CLOCKLESS AIRPORT
I had an important late-afternoon meeting that I expected would leave me with little time to make it to the airport. As it turned out, I left the rental car lot with about an hour before my flight home would begin boarding. However, after checking in (electronically of course, so as to avoid any human contact), I realized that I had no idea what time it was. My iPod battery was dead and my phone was deep in my bag. To my dismay, I could not see a clock anywhere, so I bought something because the time would appear on the receipt.
AIRPORT BARTENDRESS UNABLE TO PUT CHIEFS GAME ON BECAUSE MANAGER WITH AUTHORITY TO CHANGE CHANNEL WATCHING CHIEFS GAME IN OTHER AIRPORT BAR
There's not much more to this than the headline suggests, but I thought it was pretty funny.
AIRPORT SPRINKLERS, ON DURING RAIN STORM, AIMED PRIMARILY AT PEDESTRIAN WALKWAY
I arrived to a mild rain at Reagan National Airport around 11 p.m. I managed to stay relatively dry until I hit the pedestrian walkway to the remote parking lot I had parked in. Bounded by walls on both sides, there was no way to avoid being hit by the sprinklers that were apparently dedicated to watering 10% of the surrounding greenery and 100% of the sidewalk.
BARRAGE OF CONTRADICTORY TRAFFIC SIGNS APPEARS TO PROHIBIT EVERY CONCEIVABLE EXIT FROM PARKING LOT
Again, not much more to it than that.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
"Paper or Plastic?" Asks Purported Standup Comedian
I stopped at a grocery store on the way in to work today to buy some water, Diet Coke, and something quick for lunch. What I had not planned on was encountering Andre, who is hopefully the world's only full-time grocery-store cashier, part-time standup comic.
I became concerned as Andre bombarded the woman in front of me with awful jokes. "My name is Andre. In Russia, my name is Andreas. In Mississippi, my name is mud." The woman in front smiled and laughed politely, which is more than I could muster.
When she left, Andre's routine went a little blue. After all, I'm a male so logically it follows that I must enjoy jokes about lesbians, right? Suppressing both a scream and the urge to grab the club of the policeman in line behind me, I suffered through his material by looking at the ATM card reader. He deliberately rang up my order slowly so that he could work in more jokes. I must have had "Yes, I'd like this instant soup and ten minutes of unbearable, Bazooka-Joe-caliber humor" written all over my face.
Andre claims to make $3000/year off of his comedy. Apart from people like me who would be more than willing to give him a tenner if he'd just shut up for a second, I don't see how this is possible.
I became concerned as Andre bombarded the woman in front of me with awful jokes. "My name is Andre. In Russia, my name is Andreas. In Mississippi, my name is mud." The woman in front smiled and laughed politely, which is more than I could muster.
When she left, Andre's routine went a little blue. After all, I'm a male so logically it follows that I must enjoy jokes about lesbians, right? Suppressing both a scream and the urge to grab the club of the policeman in line behind me, I suffered through his material by looking at the ATM card reader. He deliberately rang up my order slowly so that he could work in more jokes. I must have had "Yes, I'd like this instant soup and ten minutes of unbearable, Bazooka-Joe-caliber humor" written all over my face.
Andre claims to make $3000/year off of his comedy. Apart from people like me who would be more than willing to give him a tenner if he'd just shut up for a second, I don't see how this is possible.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
I declare jihad against Dr. Scholl's and its will-to-live-sapping "Are you gellin?" ad campaign. Die, fiends!!
No, but I am "writhing in agony." Will that work?
[later]
Here are some ideas for some new "Gellin'" spots:
No, but I am "writhing in agony." Will that work?
[later]
Here are some ideas for some new "Gellin'" spots:
OR...[Exterior shot of poolside party]
SMUG MAN #1:
Are you gellin?
SMUG MAN#2:
I'm like Magellan, I'm so gel--AHHH! STOP HITTING ME WITH THAT PIPE! OUCH! OH NO, BLOOD! WHY?! WHY?!? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee?!?!?...World going (gasp) black. I just (gasp) wanted to tell the nice (gasp) people about the (gasp) comfort soles...urghhhh...[Fade to black.]
[Exterior shot of poolside party]SMUG MAN #1:Are you gellin?SMUG MAN #2:Quit yellin', we're gellin'!SMUG MAN #1:Okay, cool.SMUG MAN #2:Hey what's that over there?!?[A mushroom cloud appears on the horizon and a wall of fire
vaporizes them both.][Fade to black.]
Bush Nominates Harriet Miers After Imaginary Friend "Bucky" Unwilling to Serve
You have got to be f***ing kidding me. After the Michael Brown fiasco at FEMA and all of Bush's buddies that are warming chairs in high government posts, we get another crony nominated?!? For a lifetime appointment?!? I don't doubt that Ms. Miers is a fine lawyer and a "really nice" person. But was she on anyone else's Top 500 list? Would she be nominated if she weren't the President's pal? Hell no.
Alexander Hamilton summarized it well when discussing the need for "advice and consent" of the Senate in Federalist No. 76 (I can't pretend that I actually knew this, but it was mentioned in an excellent WSJ editorial on the subject this week):
"To what purpose then require the co-operation of the Senate? I answer, that the necessity of their concurrence would have a powerful, though, in general, a silent operation. It would be an excellent check upon a spirit of favoritism in the President, and would tend greatly to prevent the appointment of unfit characters from State prejudice, from family connection, from personal attachment, or from a view to popularity… He would be both ashamed and afraid to bring forward, for the most distinguished or lucrative stations, candidates who had no other merit than that of coming from the same State to which he particularly belonged, or of being in some way or other personally allied to him, or of possessing the necessary insignificance and pliancy to render them the obsequious instruments of his pleasure."
Look, I don't give a damn what her views or credentials are -- I don't think they're by any means stellar for a nominee to the Supreme Court -- she should not have been nominated. She shouldn't have even been on the list.
Worst. President. Ever.*
*Because...despite occasional lip service, he lacks the spending restraint that I typically like in Republicans, and has about 2,500,000% of the USDA recommended daily allowance of social conservatism and disregard for civil liberties that I disdain in them. Not to mention a total lack of such "wildcard" Presidential traits as judgment, common sense, eloquence, ability to instill a modicum of public confidence in even the slightest decision, etc.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Heroic Police Smartly Manage Scene of Accident That Was Not Otherwise Blocking Traffic
There is an on-ramp that I pass on my morning commute where, I swear, at least twice a week it seems like there is an accident (usually someone who thinks he can go does go, and runs into the back of the person in front of him, who didn't go). Anyway, as traffic slowed immediately after National Airport, I realized that today was probably such a day.
I could see the flashing sirens and gathered that I needed to get in the left lane because, I assumed, the accident was blocking the right lane. As I approached and eventually passed the scene, however, the cars involved had been moved completely onto the shoulder, out of everyone's way.
The right lane was closed because not one but two police cars had chosen to park diagonally across it, presumably to direct the traffic backup that they had just created.
**Sigh.**
(How could I possibly have another merging-related post?)
Monday, September 26, 2005
Source: Weekend Chock Full 'O Idiots
It was a long weekend and there seemed to be idiots at every turn. Here are the headlines...
METRORAIL DECIDES WEEKEND WITH HUGE INFLUX OF OUT-OF-TOWNERS "AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY" TO WREAK HAVOC WITH METRO SYSTEM
Perhaps I should have turned around when I saw stickers warning of "huge delays," but I was already running late for meeting my friends downtown for breakfast and was not about to drive downtown due to the road closings for the big anti-war protest (my ultimate destination...and more about that later).
So, I get up to the platform and -- wouldn't you know it -- Metro has decided to do routine rail maintenance on the Yellow/Blue and Green lines. So, trains in both directions would be sharing a single track for a large portion of my trip into D.C. The cynic in me can almost hear Karl Rove making the call to request this.
But let's see...there is a huge protest scheduled that involves more out-of-towners than normal coming into our fair city. In addition, an enormous book festival is going on and a number of volunteers and attendees are trying to get to that, too. Now, I am a person who has been known to derive sinister pleasure from standing in front of the Metro map on trains just to frustrate tourists who don't know where they are going, but to have huge legs of the system be essentially out of service seems kind of stupid.
Eventually, I got on the first train headed in the general direction I wanted.
LOUD TALKERS THRILL SUBWAY CAR WITH UNINFORMED DEBATE
Ultimately, I had to switch trains to avoid a loud group of people who -- given the anti-war march -- seemed determined to "out liberal" each other. This was my big concern about going to the march...that, as a small-government libertarian, I would actually find myself repulsed by many of the views expressed. (ASIDE: I attended basically because I think it's pretty clear that the initial justifications for the war in Iraq have been revealed as completely mistaken and I'm pretty pissed off about it, especially when I've got two cousins over there now. However, I don't really think that we can pull out now because that would just invite Civil War and additional atrocities. Having f***ed things up, we're kind of on the hook for fixing it.)
So, hearing people who have apparently researched the issues by reviewing a few bumper stickers talk so loud that the whole train car has no choice but to listen to their well-intentioned-but-completely-underinformed opinions was like nails on a chalkboard.
At the first available stop, I got off and took the next train just to get away from the loud talkers.
BURNOUTS RALLY AGAINST WAR, BATHS
After a pretty good breakfast, we made our way down to the protest. It was kind of interesting to participate, but it became pretty clear that I had perhaps made a mistake. We had a good laugh at some religious nut who was screaming into a megaphone about his "vengeful god." There were also some LaRouche supporters out and their literature is always unintentionally amusing.
But as for the masses, a large number were clearly knee-jerk liberals that were just kind of happy to protest something. I wish the march had been limited to a "this war sucks" platform, but almost every other issue under the sun was also addressed. For example, we stood for a long time next to a pro-Venezuela contingent that -- although their voices were completely distorted and in Spanish -- were evidently out to support Chavez. What does that really have to do with this?
The march was poorly organized. We stood in place for about 3 hours and I got progressively more irritated about being out in society.
HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 2008 CALLS FOR CREATION OF SOCIALIST STATE, INCREASED ALLOWANCE
There were many mock-worthy attendees, but probably my favorite was the group of middle-school socialists. They were beating the requisite "peace drum" and had made various anti-capitalist posters (presumably with surplus school supplies). Sorry, but try working for a living and then talk to me about how lazy idiots should get a big chunk of your paycheck. And I don't think Engels or Marx lived in their mommie's basement.
I concluded that people who base their thinking on the value and power of the individual should probably not participate in mass rallies of any kind.
NON-DRINKER THOROUGHLY QUESTIONS HOSTESS ABOUT IRISH PUB'S "MUG CLUB"
I bailed out of the protest at the earliest opportunity. Of course, the Metro maintenance work was still going on. My train stopped a few stops from home and dumped everyone out. After waiting for about 20 minutes, I announced to a few people I had been talking with that "this sounds like a job for my fiancee...I'm heading to the Irish pub."
At this point, I basically wanted to have a Guinness and (more importantly) a good ten-foot buffer separating me from any other person. Unfortunately, the Notre Dame game was on, so the inside of the bar was packed. I got a table outside, which was actually just perfect.
The hostess eventually seated another person near me. The whole way out, he had been asking her about the "mug club." As a former member, this is a deal where they keep a large mug at the bar and you can drink from it when you're at the bar. Anyway, this guy asked her probably 8 to 10 questions about the club before concluding "well, I'm not much of a drinker so it probably wouldn't benefit me much."
Eventually Amy showed up and saved me. But not before a planned commitment of a few hours had stretched into a day-long ordeal.
CLERK IN CHARGE OF RETURNS DISPUTES WHETHER ONLINE ORDER THAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER ACTUALLY SHIPPED
Only one real idiot sighting on Sunday.
I ordered two large fireproof folders online so that Amy and I could put our important stuff in them in case of a fire or disaster. I had no idea that these things were so large and were 90 pounds each. Anyway, it became clear that we only needed one, so after I got Amy to call to confirm we could return online orders at the physical store, we were off with the extra one.
I lugged the box out to the car and then from the car into the store and produced the invoice that came with the rest of the order. (Did I mention the box was heavy?)
Anyway, the clerk studied the invoice for a long time, and we were a little confused. Finally, she said, "This says that zero of this item shipped." Oh well, then the 90-pound item I just brought in must be some kind of mirage...no wait, it's still right here.
METRORAIL DECIDES WEEKEND WITH HUGE INFLUX OF OUT-OF-TOWNERS "AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY" TO WREAK HAVOC WITH METRO SYSTEM
Perhaps I should have turned around when I saw stickers warning of "huge delays," but I was already running late for meeting my friends downtown for breakfast and was not about to drive downtown due to the road closings for the big anti-war protest (my ultimate destination...and more about that later).
So, I get up to the platform and -- wouldn't you know it -- Metro has decided to do routine rail maintenance on the Yellow/Blue and Green lines. So, trains in both directions would be sharing a single track for a large portion of my trip into D.C. The cynic in me can almost hear Karl Rove making the call to request this.
But let's see...there is a huge protest scheduled that involves more out-of-towners than normal coming into our fair city. In addition, an enormous book festival is going on and a number of volunteers and attendees are trying to get to that, too. Now, I am a person who has been known to derive sinister pleasure from standing in front of the Metro map on trains just to frustrate tourists who don't know where they are going, but to have huge legs of the system be essentially out of service seems kind of stupid.
Eventually, I got on the first train headed in the general direction I wanted.
LOUD TALKERS THRILL SUBWAY CAR WITH UNINFORMED DEBATE
Ultimately, I had to switch trains to avoid a loud group of people who -- given the anti-war march -- seemed determined to "out liberal" each other. This was my big concern about going to the march...that, as a small-government libertarian, I would actually find myself repulsed by many of the views expressed. (ASIDE: I attended basically because I think it's pretty clear that the initial justifications for the war in Iraq have been revealed as completely mistaken and I'm pretty pissed off about it, especially when I've got two cousins over there now. However, I don't really think that we can pull out now because that would just invite Civil War and additional atrocities. Having f***ed things up, we're kind of on the hook for fixing it.)
So, hearing people who have apparently researched the issues by reviewing a few bumper stickers talk so loud that the whole train car has no choice but to listen to their well-intentioned-but-completely-underinformed opinions was like nails on a chalkboard.
At the first available stop, I got off and took the next train just to get away from the loud talkers.
BURNOUTS RALLY AGAINST WAR, BATHS
After a pretty good breakfast, we made our way down to the protest. It was kind of interesting to participate, but it became pretty clear that I had perhaps made a mistake. We had a good laugh at some religious nut who was screaming into a megaphone about his "vengeful god." There were also some LaRouche supporters out and their literature is always unintentionally amusing.
But as for the masses, a large number were clearly knee-jerk liberals that were just kind of happy to protest something. I wish the march had been limited to a "this war sucks" platform, but almost every other issue under the sun was also addressed. For example, we stood for a long time next to a pro-Venezuela contingent that -- although their voices were completely distorted and in Spanish -- were evidently out to support Chavez. What does that really have to do with this?
The march was poorly organized. We stood in place for about 3 hours and I got progressively more irritated about being out in society.
HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 2008 CALLS FOR CREATION OF SOCIALIST STATE, INCREASED ALLOWANCE
There were many mock-worthy attendees, but probably my favorite was the group of middle-school socialists. They were beating the requisite "peace drum" and had made various anti-capitalist posters (presumably with surplus school supplies). Sorry, but try working for a living and then talk to me about how lazy idiots should get a big chunk of your paycheck. And I don't think Engels or Marx lived in their mommie's basement.
I concluded that people who base their thinking on the value and power of the individual should probably not participate in mass rallies of any kind.
NON-DRINKER THOROUGHLY QUESTIONS HOSTESS ABOUT IRISH PUB'S "MUG CLUB"
I bailed out of the protest at the earliest opportunity. Of course, the Metro maintenance work was still going on. My train stopped a few stops from home and dumped everyone out. After waiting for about 20 minutes, I announced to a few people I had been talking with that "this sounds like a job for my fiancee...I'm heading to the Irish pub."
At this point, I basically wanted to have a Guinness and (more importantly) a good ten-foot buffer separating me from any other person. Unfortunately, the Notre Dame game was on, so the inside of the bar was packed. I got a table outside, which was actually just perfect.
The hostess eventually seated another person near me. The whole way out, he had been asking her about the "mug club." As a former member, this is a deal where they keep a large mug at the bar and you can drink from it when you're at the bar. Anyway, this guy asked her probably 8 to 10 questions about the club before concluding "well, I'm not much of a drinker so it probably wouldn't benefit me much."
Eventually Amy showed up and saved me. But not before a planned commitment of a few hours had stretched into a day-long ordeal.
CLERK IN CHARGE OF RETURNS DISPUTES WHETHER ONLINE ORDER THAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER ACTUALLY SHIPPED
Only one real idiot sighting on Sunday.
I ordered two large fireproof folders online so that Amy and I could put our important stuff in them in case of a fire or disaster. I had no idea that these things were so large and were 90 pounds each. Anyway, it became clear that we only needed one, so after I got Amy to call to confirm we could return online orders at the physical store, we were off with the extra one.
I lugged the box out to the car and then from the car into the store and produced the invoice that came with the rest of the order. (Did I mention the box was heavy?)
Anyway, the clerk studied the invoice for a long time, and we were a little confused. Finally, she said, "This says that zero of this item shipped." Oh well, then the 90-pound item I just brought in must be some kind of mirage...no wait, it's still right here.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Don't call me, "Bones"...I'll call you.
The show "Bones" on Fox. Who writes this crap? This is one of the worst non-reality shows I've ever seen. Or perhaps I should say that the first ten minutes of the two episodes so far have been horrible. That's all I can stomach.
The dialogue is atrocious, such as last night's "Come on, Bones, we all die a little bit on one like this." And the whole premise, intriguing at first, is somewhat ludicrous when you stop and consider it. Excuse me, but I think if someone has just detonated a car bomb in Washington, DC, perhaps the first person on the scene should not be a forensic anthropologist.
You say that a prominent Arab leader (and friend of the President) may have detonated the car bomb but you're not sure if the corpse is him? Here's an idea: have some rookie gather the goddamned teeth and call the Arab leader's dentist. Case closed. ...Or go through an elaborate and highly dubious process to holographically recreate the person, whichever you prefer.
Also notable is the show's alarming grasp of Washington, DC geography. In the premiere, we see a plane land with the Washington Monument in the background. For anyone remotely familiar with DC, this is Reagan National Airport but the captions onscreen say "Dulles International Airport." Why not just say it's National? And, en route to the crime scene, the characters must be teleporting or something because they criss-cross between locations in D.C., Northern Virginia, and some unfamiliar places that I assume are Vancouver or some other cheaper-to-film city in Canada.
No one will be exhuming this corpse when its 13 episodes are up.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Marquis de Sade, D.D.S.
I have not been to the dentist in ten years, and today I was reminded of why: for some reason, I have an innate dislike of being repeatedly jabbed with a sharp metal object.
I have to say at the outset that dentistry has come a long way since my last visit. This office pulled X-rays directly into a computer screen so you could see them immediately. Maybe this is commonplace today, I have no idea. Of course, when the dental technician (d/b/a Mommie Dearest) first bangs the X-ray machine against the back of your head and then does not seem strong enough to aim the device at the correct portion of your head, the effect becomes slightly less impressive.
By far the worst part, however, was the periodontal exam. This took two people. Apparently, important information is gained by jabbing the pointy end of the scraper tool deep into the gums surrounding your teeth, three times on each side of each tooth. Mommie Dearest began calling out a seemingly random groupings of three numbers ("2...2...3 / 3...2...3 / 1...1...2" and so forth). I learned later -- because I asked -- that the numbers have something to do with the health of your gums at each jab location. They also proved, however, to be a fairly accurate barometer of the relative pain associated with each jab. At some point there was a 9 that produced a mild yelp. A funny image flashed through my mind of Mommie Dearest watching Sally Struthers on television as Ms. Struthers urged viewers to call now because correspondence courses were available in the following areas...Animal Torture...War Criminal...Corpse Disposal...Dental Technician's Assistant...
Another big change from my last visit was the near-complete disappearance of the twin sisters of dentistry, Miss Rinse and Madame Swallow. I did not get to swallow for what felt like 20 minutes. I could literally feel my lips chapping and my mouth drying out. Indeed, the only moisture involved was salty and red and was a natural by-product of the aforementioned gum-gouging.
The bottom line is that, after not seeing a dentist for 10 years, I had no cavities. Which leads to only one, unavoidable conclusion: truly, I am a god among men.
I have to say at the outset that dentistry has come a long way since my last visit. This office pulled X-rays directly into a computer screen so you could see them immediately. Maybe this is commonplace today, I have no idea. Of course, when the dental technician (d/b/a Mommie Dearest) first bangs the X-ray machine against the back of your head and then does not seem strong enough to aim the device at the correct portion of your head, the effect becomes slightly less impressive.
By far the worst part, however, was the periodontal exam. This took two people. Apparently, important information is gained by jabbing the pointy end of the scraper tool deep into the gums surrounding your teeth, three times on each side of each tooth. Mommie Dearest began calling out a seemingly random groupings of three numbers ("2...2...3 / 3...2...3 / 1...1...2" and so forth). I learned later -- because I asked -- that the numbers have something to do with the health of your gums at each jab location. They also proved, however, to be a fairly accurate barometer of the relative pain associated with each jab. At some point there was a 9 that produced a mild yelp. A funny image flashed through my mind of Mommie Dearest watching Sally Struthers on television as Ms. Struthers urged viewers to call now because correspondence courses were available in the following areas...Animal Torture...War Criminal...Corpse Disposal...Dental Technician's Assistant...
Another big change from my last visit was the near-complete disappearance of the twin sisters of dentistry, Miss Rinse and Madame Swallow. I did not get to swallow for what felt like 20 minutes. I could literally feel my lips chapping and my mouth drying out. Indeed, the only moisture involved was salty and red and was a natural by-product of the aforementioned gum-gouging.
The bottom line is that, after not seeing a dentist for 10 years, I had no cavities. Which leads to only one, unavoidable conclusion: truly, I am a god among men.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Bush Promises Katrina Evacuees $5000, Ability to Fly
Interesting speech last night. In addition to rebuilding the fractured infrastructure of the region, Bush promised that the government would grant hurricane victims the ability to fly. Environmentalists were pleased by the President's pledge to restore the Gulf Coast's unicorn population, which was virtually wiped out by the hurricane. The President also urged Congressional Democrats to approve a $300M plan to send New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin back in time to warn his late-August self of the coming disaster.
Bush said that funding for the incomprehensibly massive spending program would be easily obtained by capturing the leprechaun at the end of a rainbow he recently spotted.
Bush closed by stating that he would devote his weekly radio address to "a timely response to the Teapot Dome Scandal [of the early 1920's]."
Bush said that funding for the incomprehensibly massive spending program would be easily obtained by capturing the leprechaun at the end of a rainbow he recently spotted.
Bush closed by stating that he would devote his weekly radio address to "a timely response to the Teapot Dome Scandal [of the early 1920's]."
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Merging for Dummies
Okay, another exciting commuting issue. What is so elusive about the concept of merging?
I have two beefs. First, why is that people can see a sign that says, e.g., "LAND ENDS, MERGE RIGHT" and they don't just get over at their earliest reasonable opportunity? What about that sign says "Hey you -- just you, the special one there -- speed like a jackass up the now-empty lane to the last possible merge point, bypassing people that are dutifully waiting their turn and accommodating people like you who need to get over, because obviously you are entitled to avoid the inconvenience that everyone else is simply dealing with"? If everyone would just get over, traffic would slow down but it would not stop. Instead, we've all got to stop to accommodate some dumbass. I had a huge fight with an ex-girlfriend once because she was one of these people. Anyway, my sign to these freeloaders would say something like "LANE ENDS, MERGE INTO AN ONCOMING BUS."
Second, in stop-and-go traffic, don't try to stick the nose of your damn car in front of mine if I've already let someone else in before you. Cars that are already in the lane you want to be in have an obligation to accommodate one new person at most. I will always let one person in because I think that is my duty as a fellow traveler to get traffic moving. This is not an opportunity for someone else -- again, usually committed to going as far as he/she can before actually getting into traffic like a normal person -- to bully me into letting them in, too. Here's a tip, you're either going to get in behind me or going onto the shoulder because I am not going to let you in, even if I have to rear-end the person I let in to stop you. I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
I have two beefs. First, why is that people can see a sign that says, e.g., "LAND ENDS, MERGE RIGHT" and they don't just get over at their earliest reasonable opportunity? What about that sign says "Hey you -- just you, the special one there -- speed like a jackass up the now-empty lane to the last possible merge point, bypassing people that are dutifully waiting their turn and accommodating people like you who need to get over, because obviously you are entitled to avoid the inconvenience that everyone else is simply dealing with"? If everyone would just get over, traffic would slow down but it would not stop. Instead, we've all got to stop to accommodate some dumbass. I had a huge fight with an ex-girlfriend once because she was one of these people. Anyway, my sign to these freeloaders would say something like "LANE ENDS, MERGE INTO AN ONCOMING BUS."
Second, in stop-and-go traffic, don't try to stick the nose of your damn car in front of mine if I've already let someone else in before you. Cars that are already in the lane you want to be in have an obligation to accommodate one new person at most. I will always let one person in because I think that is my duty as a fellow traveler to get traffic moving. This is not an opportunity for someone else -- again, usually committed to going as far as he/she can before actually getting into traffic like a normal person -- to bully me into letting them in, too. Here's a tip, you're either going to get in behind me or going onto the shoulder because I am not going to let you in, even if I have to rear-end the person I let in to stop you. I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
Friday, September 09, 2005
FEMA's Michael Brown is an Unqualified Buffoon
Politicians always put their buddies into positions of power, but with Bush's second term, we're really seeing some third stringers calling the plays.
FEMA bigwig Michael Brown is a Bush cronie with no actual experience in disaster response and likely got the job because he was someone else's roommate in college. His bio for FEMA claims that he was the "assistant city manager" somewhere, when in fact he basically held an intern-like position as "assistant to the city manager." (That's very similar to a running joke in the BBC version of The Office.) He also claimed to be an "outstanding professor" at a college that he, in fact, apparently only attended as a student.
The head of Homeland Security is a chump as well.
I can't believe that 4 years after 9/11, this is the best we can do.
Read the Washington Post story...
FEMA bigwig Michael Brown is a Bush cronie with no actual experience in disaster response and likely got the job because he was someone else's roommate in college. His bio for FEMA claims that he was the "assistant city manager" somewhere, when in fact he basically held an intern-like position as "assistant to the city manager." (That's very similar to a running joke in the BBC version of The Office.) He also claimed to be an "outstanding professor" at a college that he, in fact, apparently only attended as a student.
The head of Homeland Security is a chump as well.
I can't believe that 4 years after 9/11, this is the best we can do.
Read the Washington Post story...
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Stupid Sign Warning of Possible Future Traffic Causes Actual Traffic in the Present
Okay, not quite the outrage that spawned my last post, and fewer irrational calls for death...
But for the past two days, I have been stuck in really bad traffic on the commute home (for me, traffic is rarely a serious problem because of the route I take). Anyway, as traffic crawled for about 45 minutes and then remarkably picked up with not even a flat tire in sight, I realized what the problem was.
There was a sign by the side of the GW Parkway slowly rotating through a message that said -- depending on when you started looking -- "MAJOR EVENT." Now, living in DC after 9/11, the words "major event" have a catastrophic connotation. Like everyone else, I watched the sign with intense interest, assuming the worst.
After what felt like ten seconds, it then said "EXPECT DELAYS." Okay, so now I'm thinking that there has been a serious accident, possibly with fatalities. I begin to brace myself for an extremely long ride home and remind myself not to rubberneck at any grisly roadside scenes.
Finally, and somewhat ironically, after another long pause it finally says "SEPTEMBER 11, 2005." So, it's not even that something that is happening today, or even during the work week at all. But it's a major event happening on Sunday. Good, thank you for clearing that up.
The same problem happened yesterday. And I'm sure it will happen today and Friday as well. It makes me want to get out and give the sign a good shove. That'll show 'em.
But for the past two days, I have been stuck in really bad traffic on the commute home (for me, traffic is rarely a serious problem because of the route I take). Anyway, as traffic crawled for about 45 minutes and then remarkably picked up with not even a flat tire in sight, I realized what the problem was.
There was a sign by the side of the GW Parkway slowly rotating through a message that said -- depending on when you started looking -- "MAJOR EVENT." Now, living in DC after 9/11, the words "major event" have a catastrophic connotation. Like everyone else, I watched the sign with intense interest, assuming the worst.
After what felt like ten seconds, it then said "EXPECT DELAYS." Okay, so now I'm thinking that there has been a serious accident, possibly with fatalities. I begin to brace myself for an extremely long ride home and remind myself not to rubberneck at any grisly roadside scenes.
Finally, and somewhat ironically, after another long pause it finally says "SEPTEMBER 11, 2005." So, it's not even that something that is happening today, or even during the work week at all. But it's a major event happening on Sunday. Good, thank you for clearing that up.
The same problem happened yesterday. And I'm sure it will happen today and Friday as well. It makes me want to get out and give the sign a good shove. That'll show 'em.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Shoot the Looters in New Orleans. Just shoot them. Now.
I have never witnessed anything in my life that has made me feel more disgraced and infuriated at the jaw-dropping stupidity of the masses, and less proud to be part of the human race, than the chaos that has enveloped New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.
I would draw a clear line between those that are rummaging for basic necessities like food and water (indeed, I think these people have what's called a "necessity defense" in legal circles) and those that are pushing shopping carts full of Nike sneakers around. To the former, I say that I'm sorry for your loss and that, for lack of a better alternative, I've donated some money to the Red Cross that my company is going to match. To the latter, I hope you said your prayers.
Let me see if I get the logic right. A helicopter is coming to save me, so I'll throw rocks at it. A hospital staff that is stretched to exhaustion is trying to get babies to safety, so I'll help out with some sniper fire.
Look, I am staunchly libertarian and I have huge issues with the government doing much of anything that affects American citizens. But this week I am not having much difficulty saying this: American troops need to line up anyone hauling a plasma TV through the flooded streets of New Orleans and simply put a bullet in his or her skull. I'm sorry, but if you think that this is the time to score that DVD player you've always wanted and can smile into a camera against the backdrop of the shattered remains of your hometown, then I'm quite confident that none of us will miss you. Say hi to Hendrix for me.
But I'm flexible. Instead of shooting looters, many other options are available, such as:
I would draw a clear line between those that are rummaging for basic necessities like food and water (indeed, I think these people have what's called a "necessity defense" in legal circles) and those that are pushing shopping carts full of Nike sneakers around. To the former, I say that I'm sorry for your loss and that, for lack of a better alternative, I've donated some money to the Red Cross that my company is going to match. To the latter, I hope you said your prayers.
Let me see if I get the logic right. A helicopter is coming to save me, so I'll throw rocks at it. A hospital staff that is stretched to exhaustion is trying to get babies to safety, so I'll help out with some sniper fire.
Look, I am staunchly libertarian and I have huge issues with the government doing much of anything that affects American citizens. But this week I am not having much difficulty saying this: American troops need to line up anyone hauling a plasma TV through the flooded streets of New Orleans and simply put a bullet in his or her skull. I'm sorry, but if you think that this is the time to score that DVD player you've always wanted and can smile into a camera against the backdrop of the shattered remains of your hometown, then I'm quite confident that none of us will miss you. Say hi to Hendrix for me.
But I'm flexible. Instead of shooting looters, many other options are available, such as:
- Tying a cinder block to their necks and drowning them in toxic water.
- Burning them alive and pouring their ashes into sandbags to patch the levees.
- Lashing them to rickshaws to transport deserving refugees to safety, taking a route through the most heavily snake-infested areas possible.
- Something involving fire ants and honey.
- Transporting them to the AstroDome and putting Supercross: The Movie on the big screen.
Words cannot adequately express the outrage, the embarrassment. At a time when people are dying in vain to establish some semblance of order in Iraq, how disheartening it is to see lawlessness running amok on our own streets. And I can't help but note that the National Guardists in Louisiana and Mississippi, as well as the equipment that would have been nice to have on hand are where? In Iraq, that's right. Dying for our inept, idiot liar of a President. That's right.
I am furious.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Stop the world, I'm getting off.
First post. I have always said that life is pretty good, except for this whole "other people" thing. I like to think that most of us go through life with a basic respect for each other, and yet on an almost daily basis I feel like I'm surrounded by a society that runs the gamut from obnoxious jerk to garden-variety idiot. The question I hope to explore on this blog is simply this: What the hell is wrong with these people? I do so not from any kind of holier-than-thou arrogance...more along the lines of "I'm displaying the rudimentary skills and respect that have been the underpinnings of human society since its inception, where are yours?" So, if I'm cut off in traffic, irritated during a movie, or -- like last night -- stuck at the pharmacy behind some genius who wants to fill her prescription but "[doesn't] want to pay for it right now," you can read every exciting word here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)