Source: Weekend Chock Full 'O Idiots

It was a long weekend and there seemed to be idiots at every turn. Here are the headlines...

METRORAIL DECIDES WEEKEND WITH HUGE INFLUX OF OUT-OF-TOWNERS "AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY" TO WREAK HAVOC WITH METRO SYSTEM

Perhaps I should have turned around when I saw stickers warning of "huge delays," but I was already running late for meeting my friends downtown for breakfast and was not about to drive downtown due to the road closings for the big anti-war protest (my ultimate destination...and more about that later).

So, I get up to the platform and -- wouldn't you know it -- Metro has decided to do routine rail maintenance on the Yellow/Blue and Green lines. So, trains in both directions would be sharing a single track for a large portion of my trip into D.C. The cynic in me can almost hear Karl Rove making the call to request this.

But let's see...there is a huge protest scheduled that involves more out-of-towners than normal coming into our fair city. In addition, an enormous book festival is going on and a number of volunteers and attendees are trying to get to that, too. Now, I am a person who has been known to derive sinister pleasure from standing in front of the Metro map on trains just to frustrate tourists who don't know where they are going, but to have huge legs of the system be essentially out of service seems kind of stupid.

Eventually, I got on the first train headed in the general direction I wanted.

LOUD TALKERS THRILL SUBWAY CAR WITH UNINFORMED DEBATE

Ultimately, I had to switch trains to avoid a loud group of people who -- given the anti-war march -- seemed determined to "out liberal" each other. This was my big concern about going to the march...that, as a small-government libertarian, I would actually find myself repulsed by many of the views expressed. (ASIDE: I attended basically because I think it's pretty clear that the initial justifications for the war in Iraq have been revealed as completely mistaken and I'm pretty pissed off about it, especially when I've got two cousins over there now. However, I don't really think that we can pull out now because that would just invite Civil War and additional atrocities. Having f***ed things up, we're kind of on the hook for fixing it.)

So, hearing people who have apparently researched the issues by reviewing a few bumper stickers talk so loud that the whole train car has no choice but to listen to their well-intentioned-but-completely-underinformed opinions was like nails on a chalkboard.

At the first available stop, I got off and took the next train just to get away from the loud talkers.

BURNOUTS RALLY AGAINST WAR, BATHS

After a pretty good breakfast, we made our way down to the protest. It was kind of interesting to participate, but it became pretty clear that I had perhaps made a mistake. We had a good laugh at some religious nut who was screaming into a megaphone about his "vengeful god." There were also some LaRouche supporters out and their literature is always unintentionally amusing.

But as for the masses, a large number were clearly knee-jerk liberals that were just kind of happy to protest something. I wish the march had been limited to a "this war sucks" platform, but almost every other issue under the sun was also addressed. For example, we stood for a long time next to a pro-Venezuela contingent that -- although their voices were completely distorted and in Spanish -- were evidently out to support Chavez. What does that really have to do with this?

The march was poorly organized. We stood in place for about 3 hours and I got progressively more irritated about being out in society.

HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 2008 CALLS FOR CREATION OF SOCIALIST STATE, INCREASED ALLOWANCE

There were many mock-worthy attendees, but probably my favorite was the group of middle-school socialists. They were beating the requisite "peace drum" and had made various anti-capitalist posters (presumably with surplus school supplies). Sorry, but try working for a living and then talk to me about how lazy idiots should get a big chunk of your paycheck. And I don't think Engels or Marx lived in their mommie's basement.

I concluded that people who base their thinking on the value and power of the individual should probably not participate in mass rallies of any kind.

NON-DRINKER THOROUGHLY QUESTIONS HOSTESS ABOUT IRISH PUB'S "MUG CLUB"

I bailed out of the protest at the earliest opportunity. Of course, the Metro maintenance work was still going on. My train stopped a few stops from home and dumped everyone out. After waiting for about 20 minutes, I announced to a few people I had been talking with that "this sounds like a job for my fiancee...I'm heading to the Irish pub."

At this point, I basically wanted to have a Guinness and (more importantly) a good ten-foot buffer separating me from any other person. Unfortunately, the Notre Dame game was on, so the inside of the bar was packed. I got a table outside, which was actually just perfect.

The hostess eventually seated another person near me. The whole way out, he had been asking her about the "mug club." As a former member, this is a deal where they keep a large mug at the bar and you can drink from it when you're at the bar. Anyway, this guy asked her probably 8 to 10 questions about the club before concluding "well, I'm not much of a drinker so it probably wouldn't benefit me much."

Eventually Amy showed up and saved me. But not before a planned commitment of a few hours had stretched into a day-long ordeal.

CLERK IN CHARGE OF RETURNS DISPUTES WHETHER ONLINE ORDER THAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER ACTUALLY SHIPPED

Only one real idiot sighting on Sunday.

I ordered two large fireproof folders online so that Amy and I could put our important stuff in them in case of a fire or disaster. I had no idea that these things were so large and were 90 pounds each. Anyway, it became clear that we only needed one, so after I got Amy to call to confirm we could return online orders at the physical store, we were off with the extra one.

I lugged the box out to the car and then from the car into the store and produced the invoice that came with the rest of the order. (Did I mention the box was heavy?)

Anyway, the clerk studied the invoice for a long time, and we were a little confused. Finally, she said, "This says that zero of this item shipped." Oh well, then the 90-pound item I just brought in must be some kind of mirage...no wait, it's still right here.

Don't call me, "Bones"...I'll call you.

The show "Bones" on Fox. Who writes this crap? This is one of the worst non-reality shows I've ever seen. Or perhaps I should say that the first ten minutes of the two episodes so far have been horrible. That's all I can stomach.

The dialogue is atrocious, such as last night's "Come on, Bones, we all die a little bit on one like this." And the whole premise, intriguing at first, is somewhat ludicrous when you stop and consider it. Excuse me, but I think if someone has just detonated a car bomb in Washington, DC, perhaps the first person on the scene should not be a forensic anthropologist.

You say that a prominent Arab leader (and friend of the President) may have detonated the car bomb but you're not sure if the corpse is him? Here's an idea: have some rookie gather the goddamned teeth and call the Arab leader's dentist. Case closed. ...Or go through an elaborate and highly dubious process to holographically recreate the person, whichever you prefer.

Also notable is the show's alarming grasp of Washington, DC geography. In the premiere, we see a plane land with the Washington Monument in the background. For anyone remotely familiar with DC, this is Reagan National Airport but the captions onscreen say "Dulles International Airport." Why not just say it's National? And, en route to the crime scene, the characters must be teleporting or something because they criss-cross between locations in D.C., Northern Virginia, and some unfamiliar places that I assume are Vancouver or some other cheaper-to-film city in Canada.

No one will be exhuming this corpse when its 13 episodes are up.

Marquis de Sade, D.D.S.

I have not been to the dentist in ten years, and today I was reminded of why: for some reason, I have an innate dislike of being repeatedly jabbed with a sharp metal object.

I have to say at the outset that dentistry has come a long way since my last visit. This office pulled X-rays directly into a computer screen so you could see them immediately. Maybe this is commonplace today, I have no idea. Of course, when the dental technician (d/b/a Mommie Dearest) first bangs the X-ray machine against the back of your head and then does not seem strong enough to aim the device at the correct portion of your head, the effect becomes slightly less impressive.

By far the worst part, however, was the periodontal exam. This took two people. Apparently, important information is gained by jabbing the pointy end of the scraper tool deep into the gums surrounding your teeth, three times on each side of each tooth. Mommie Dearest began calling out a seemingly random groupings of three numbers ("2...2...3 / 3...2...3 / 1...1...2" and so forth). I learned later -- because I asked -- that the numbers have something to do with the health of your gums at each jab location. They also proved, however, to be a fairly accurate barometer of the relative pain associated with each jab. At some point there was a 9 that produced a mild yelp. A funny image flashed through my mind of Mommie Dearest watching Sally Struthers on television as Ms. Struthers urged viewers to call now because correspondence courses were available in the following areas...Animal Torture...War Criminal...Corpse Disposal...Dental Technician's Assistant...

Another big change from my last visit was the near-complete disappearance of the twin sisters of dentistry, Miss Rinse and Madame Swallow. I did not get to swallow for what felt like 20 minutes. I could literally feel my lips chapping and my mouth drying out. Indeed, the only moisture involved was salty and red and was a natural by-product of the aforementioned gum-gouging.

The bottom line is that, after not seeing a dentist for 10 years, I had no cavities. Which leads to only one, unavoidable conclusion: truly, I am a god among men.

Bush Promises Katrina Evacuees $5000, Ability to Fly

Interesting speech last night. In addition to rebuilding the fractured infrastructure of the region, Bush promised that the government would grant hurricane victims the ability to fly. Environmentalists were pleased by the President's pledge to restore the Gulf Coast's unicorn population, which was virtually wiped out by the hurricane. The President also urged Congressional Democrats to approve a $300M plan to send New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin back in time to warn his late-August self of the coming disaster.

Bush said that funding for the incomprehensibly massive spending program would be easily obtained by capturing the leprechaun at the end of a rainbow he recently spotted.

Bush closed by stating that he would devote his weekly radio address to "a timely response to the Teapot Dome Scandal [of the early 1920's]."

Merging for Dummies

Okay, another exciting commuting issue. What is so elusive about the concept of merging?

I have two beefs. First, why is that people can see a sign that says, e.g., "LAND ENDS, MERGE RIGHT" and they don't just get over at their earliest reasonable opportunity? What about that sign says "Hey you -- just you, the special one there -- speed like a jackass up the now-empty lane to the last possible merge point, bypassing people that are dutifully waiting their turn and accommodating people like you who need to get over, because obviously you are entitled to avoid the inconvenience that everyone else is simply dealing with"? If everyone would just get over, traffic would slow down but it would not stop. Instead, we've all got to stop to accommodate some dumbass. I had a huge fight with an ex-girlfriend once because she was one of these people. Anyway, my sign to these freeloaders would say something like "LANE ENDS, MERGE INTO AN ONCOMING BUS."

Second, in stop-and-go traffic, don't try to stick the nose of your damn car in front of mine if I've already let someone else in before you. Cars that are already in the lane you want to be in have an obligation to accommodate one new person at most. I will always let one person in because I think that is my duty as a fellow traveler to get traffic moving. This is not an opportunity for someone else -- again, usually committed to going as far as he/she can before actually getting into traffic like a normal person -- to bully me into letting them in, too. Here's a tip, you're either going to get in behind me or going onto the shoulder because I am not going to let you in, even if I have to rear-end the person I let in to stop you. I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

FEMA's Michael Brown is an Unqualified Buffoon

Politicians always put their buddies into positions of power, but with Bush's second term, we're really seeing some third stringers calling the plays.

FEMA bigwig Michael Brown is a Bush cronie with no actual experience in disaster response and likely got the job because he was someone else's roommate in college. His bio for FEMA claims that he was the "assistant city manager" somewhere, when in fact he basically held an intern-like position as "assistant to the city manager." (That's very similar to a running joke in the BBC version of The Office.) He also claimed to be an "outstanding professor" at a college that he, in fact, apparently only attended as a student.

The head of Homeland Security is a chump as well.

I can't believe that 4 years after 9/11, this is the best we can do.

Read the Washington Post story...

Stupid Sign Warning of Possible Future Traffic Causes Actual Traffic in the Present

Okay, not quite the outrage that spawned my last post, and fewer irrational calls for death...

But for the past two days, I have been stuck in really bad traffic on the commute home (for me, traffic is rarely a serious problem because of the route I take). Anyway, as traffic crawled for about 45 minutes and then remarkably picked up with not even a flat tire in sight, I realized what the problem was.

There was a sign by the side of the GW Parkway slowly rotating through a message that said -- depending on when you started looking -- "MAJOR EVENT." Now, living in DC after 9/11, the words "major event" have a catastrophic connotation. Like everyone else, I watched the sign with intense interest, assuming the worst.

After what felt like ten seconds, it then said "EXPECT DELAYS." Okay, so now I'm thinking that there has been a serious accident, possibly with fatalities. I begin to brace myself for an extremely long ride home and remind myself not to rubberneck at any grisly roadside scenes.

Finally, and somewhat ironically, after another long pause it finally says "SEPTEMBER 11, 2005." So, it's not even that something that is happening today, or even during the work week at all. But it's a major event happening on Sunday. Good, thank you for clearing that up.

The same problem happened yesterday. And I'm sure it will happen today and Friday as well. It makes me want to get out and give the sign a good shove. That'll show 'em.

Shoot the Looters in New Orleans. Just shoot them. Now.

I have never witnessed anything in my life that has made me feel more disgraced and infuriated at the jaw-dropping stupidity of the masses, and less proud to be part of the human race, than the chaos that has enveloped New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

I would draw a clear line between those that are rummaging for basic necessities like food and water (indeed, I think these people have what's called a "necessity defense" in legal circles) and those that are pushing shopping carts full of Nike sneakers around. To the former, I say that I'm sorry for your loss and that, for lack of a better alternative, I've donated some money to the Red Cross that my company is going to match. To the latter, I hope you said your prayers.

Let me see if I get the logic right. A helicopter is coming to save me, so I'll throw rocks at it. A hospital staff that is stretched to exhaustion is trying to get babies to safety, so I'll help out with some sniper fire.

Look, I am staunchly libertarian and I have huge issues with the government doing much of anything that affects American citizens. But this week I am not having much difficulty saying this: American troops need to line up anyone hauling a plasma TV through the flooded streets of New Orleans and simply put a bullet in his or her skull. I'm sorry, but if you think that this is the time to score that DVD player you've always wanted and can smile into a camera against the backdrop of the shattered remains of your hometown, then I'm quite confident that none of us will miss you. Say hi to Hendrix for me.

But I'm flexible. Instead of shooting looters, many other options are available, such as:

• Tying a cinder block to their necks and drowning them in toxic water.
• Burning them alive and pouring their ashes into sandbags to patch the levees.
• Lashing them to rickshaws to transport deserving refugees to safety, taking a route through the most heavily snake-infested areas possible.
• Something involving fire ants and honey.
• Transporting them to the AstroDome and putting Supercross: The Movie on the big screen.

Words cannot adequately express the outrage, the embarrassment. At a time when people are dying in vain to establish some semblance of order in Iraq, how disheartening it is to see lawlessness running amok on our own streets. And I can't help but note that the National Guardists in Louisiana and Mississippi, as well as the equipment that would have been nice to have on hand are where? In Iraq, that's right. Dying for our inept, idiot liar of a President. That's right.

I am furious.