NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT POUR THIRD GLASS OF WINE RIGHT BEFORE WATCHING "CELEBRITY REHAB"

Celebrity Rehab on VH1 is infinitely depressing. After the initial, "Oh, that guy who played that guy in Grease is TOTALLY messed up" and "Wow, that actress who was apparently on Family Matters with Urkel sure smokes a lot of pot," you quickly get the sense that you really shouldn't be watching these people with such wretched, wretched lives.

As bad as you feel for them, if I were the doctor on the show, I would probably just blame them for their own situations. I don't know how Dr. Drew gets up in the morning to deal with people like this.

Next week, I'm watching Rock of Love 2 after Celebrity Rehab instead of before.

FOX NEWS: FAIR AND WHEEL-BALANCED

Fox News is now employing a van of some sort to file news reports. This pushes the concept of totally unnecessary on-location reporting to new heights. Have you ever wondered why, for example, a reporter needs to be standing in front of an empty government building at 10 p.m. to file a report on that recent City Council issue, or why a reporter is standing in front of a store where something happened 5 days ago?

Well, Fox News will do you one better. They'll just show you some guy that may or may not be on his way to anywhere in particular. He's just in a van. He may be helping a friend move a couch for all we know.

The one report I saw appeared to start in a parking lot and then I guess it must have occurred to someone that even the already negligible value of reporting from a van would be lost if it weren't, you know, moving or something. The parallels between this and the "Terror-Alert Van" parodied on The Onion are somewhat staggering.

GOLDEN GLOBES CEREMONY THAT IS ONE-TWELFTH AS LONG AND 8,000% MORE BEARABLE "BAD" FOR REASONS THAT CAN'T QUITE BE ARTICULATED

I [expletive] loved the Golden Globes last night. No two hours of red-carpet banter, no elaborate musical productions to honor the industry's top gaffers, no acceptance speeches thanking the winners' accountants, lawyers and mothers.

Instead -- follow me here -- they simply reviewed the nominees and announced the winners. It all took 30 minutes. I just wish someone would explain to my why this is such a "disappointment" and why I should hope that things are "back to normal" next year.