BID FOR ENTRY INTO ACCIDENT-PRONE HALL OF FAME GOING SMOOTHLY

In the past few weeks, I have injured myself in truly heroic variety of ways. I have:

1. Slammed my foot in the back door after coming home from a Sunday in the office, leading to a short fight with Amy about how I could have possibly come home "grouchy" under those circumstances.
2. Had a heavy oak headboard fall squarely onto my right calf, leaving an impressive divot in the muscle that is still there three weeks later. The ability to "walk in a non-hobbled fashion" has only recently returned.
3. Slipped going down the basement steps, which combined with #2 above, has yielded acute lower back pain that has fundamentally challenged assumptions that I can engage in activities enjoyed by the average octogenarian.
4. While totally sober, tripped over a riser at a dance night at the Black Cat, twisting my ankle and careening into two strangers and a large speaker. (I rallied later by leading a small group of friends in chanting "Whoomp, there it is" along to an unrelated song...astonishingly while still totally sober.)
5. Jammed my knee into a pointed edge while stepping over our dog gate.

EIGHT-MAN ROAD CREW SPENDS FIVE HOURS NOISILY WORSENING CONDITION OF FOUR-SQUARE-FOOT PATCH OF ROAD THAT WAS FINE TO BEGIN WITH

Have you seen the movie Falling Down? Remember the scene when Michael Douglas has totally flipped and asks the road crew that is causing traffic what's wrong with the road that they're working on? And after pressing one of the workers, the worker admits that nothing was wrong with the road? That the project was simply to justify the transportation department's budget?

Well, take away the part about firing a rocket launcher and destroying the equipment, and that's what was going on outside our house last night.

DREAM ABOUT WEBSITE DESIGN SIGNALS THAT WAKING WORLD IS NOW OFFICIALLY MORE INTERESTING

I have long had tedious and anxious dreams about work, but last night's dream about website design -- which I have been studying in my spare time -- is some kind of new low. I guess that's why they call it Dreamweaver.

DICTIONARY.COM STUNNER: "DECIDER" AN ACTUAL WORD OF SOME KIND

I was so prepared to go off on this, but apparently it's an actual word. Oh well. The good news about this is administration is that we won't have to wait long for one that isn't. Curses!

PRODUCT HAS LEAST LIKELY NAME IMAGINABLE

Amy and I were in a local Giant when we saw this product. I immediately went into hysterics over its name. Maybe it's just me...

PREVIEWS FOR AWFUL MOVIE FAIL TO MENTION OMNIPRESENT, SASS-TALKING BUTLER ROBOT FOR SOME REASON

I don't think I could adequately explain why, but I went to see the Rob Schneider and David Spade vehicle "The Benchwarmers" on Sunday. I actually like bad movies because they allow for lots of sarcastic remarks, and there are so many more films of that caliber than good ones anyway.
The film was every bit as bad as I expected. However, I have to admit, I was not entirely prepared for the character of the robotic butler called "Number 7." I wonder why they left him out of the trailer?

NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP RENDERED MOOT BY AMAZON.COM EMAIL

I received this email from Amazon.com approximately 10 hours before tipoff of the Championship game. Speaking of, perhaps the "[placeholder for winning team]" reference should have tipped someone off that the email shouldn't be sent yet.