WRITERS STRIKE YIELDS BEVY OF COMPLETE CRAP

“Duel.” Has anyone other than me been watching this? After the Washington Post tore the show a new one, I had to watch. The basic format of the show is not terrible per se. In the initial round, you have a certain number of chips and you are given a multiple choice question. If you’re sure of the answer, you only put one chip down. Less sure, put more chips on the other answers to cover your bases. I get it.

The problem is that that’s all there is to the game (and that the basics of the game are repeatedly drilled into your head by the host). There’s no “beat this person and then you play the REAL game”…it’s just one of these duels after another. I can see why they put it on for a solid week though. Quite simply, no one would care enough to wait a whole week to see the jackpot creep up by a few grand.

And yes, the host is totally unentertaining. Zero degrees Kelvin. I think an inanimate object would add more to the proceedings.

Duel could learn something from “Power of 10,” which I find really interesting to watch. For one thing, Drew Carey is funny, not to mention a libertarian. Second, the questions on the show are not black-and-white. It hearkens back to “Card Sharks” in that you’ve got questions based on a survey. You might think the answer should be one thing, but you have to consider what you think other people would say. And many of the questions are – gasp! – thought provoking.

As bad as Duel is, it is not the worst show on the air. That honor goes to “Crowned”…some kind of mother-daughter pageant reality show. They literally must have screened out anyone with a measurable IQ. Last week, all the teams had to do was come up with names and there were so many bad choices (and the teams were oblivious to why there were bad). Setting aside the incredibly unoriginal “Redheaded Bombshells” and “Blonde Bombshells,” one team opted for the name Skin Deep, apparently suggesting that they are incredibly shallow and truly awful people beneath their (objectively not at all) attractive exteriors.

However, I went into hysterics at one team that chose the name – and I am not making this up – “Silent But Deadly.” Again, oblivious to the common meaning of the phrase.



By the way, if you had told Carson Kressley a few years ago that he would be reduced to sharing a show with someone best known for being married to a guy in Blink 182, he would probably have killed himself.

And we've also got a wholly unnecessary updated version of "American Gladiators" on the horizon. Unless they are literally feeding Christians to lions, sorry but I will not be watching.

Probably the only upside of the writers strike has been that ABC’s “Cavemen” was allowed to limp along for a couple of extra weeks. There’s a show that redefined “comedy” (by removing the whole “needs to be humorous” restriction). Save the cave, indeed.

RANDOM MUSINGS TO CLOSE OUT 2007

Another lull in the posting that should not be taken to mean that I am not being annoyed on a daily basis...

CONCEPT OF “TURN LANE” SIMULTANEOUSLY LOST ON, DESTROYED BY TYPICAL MISSOURI DRIVER

Granted, the Kansas City metro area has nothing on driving in DC. Kansas City, however, presents its own form of bad driving, one that is perhaps more dangerous. DC’s issues mainly result from an impossibly high volume of very aggressive drivers. Kansas City has nothing approaching the volume of drivers, but the drivers appear to be (for lack of a better word) incredibly stupid.

Probably the most consistent fault I have noticed is an inability to comprehend what turn lanes are for. Ideally, a driver needing to turn across a busy street will ease over into the turn lane and wait, while drivers who are not turning can keep going without being inconvenienced.

The plan begins to break down if, for example, you only get halfway over into the turn lane and render two lanes completely useless. This is the approach taken by about 85% of drivers in Kansas City.

It had been more than a year since I yelled anything out of my window while driving. This monk-like streak was broken recently by having to scream “TURN LANE!!!” at some idiot.

UNBELIEVABLY DESTABILIZING ASSASSINATION IN CRITICAL REGION OF WORLD BRIEFLY ECLIPSES TIGER-ATTACK STORY

Stretches of slow news are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it means that nothing too bad has happened. On the other hand, it means that the closest thing passing for news will be treated with some quasi-vigil. This Christmas, it appears to have been the apparent escape and subsequent mauling done by a tiger in San Francisco. Tragic? Sure. Affecting anyone not directly involved in any real way? Not so much. And yet, even Kansas City is running “Tiger Kills Zoo-Goers: Could It Happen HERE???” stories. Always with the obligatory photo of a tiger, in case you were unable to conceive of what one looks like.

This morning the streak came to an end with the assassination of Bhutto in Pakistan.

I am watching CNN online today and some 7 to 8 hours later, it’s already creeping back to like 25% tiger coverage.

BABY WHO HAS YET TO WALK NEEDS MOST TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED BASKETBALL AVAILABLE

We got Oliver a basketball for Christmas, not for any sports-related reason but more because he was obsessed with pumpkins over Halloween and we thought this would be an easy substitute. Naturally, I took this as an opportunity to totally overbuy.

The kicker is, of course, that Oliver shows little to no interest in the basketball.

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE MAGNETIZED

As previously noted, I am a libertarian. I am really excited by the candidacy of Ron Paul, who has very strong libertarian leanings...in fact he has previously been the Libertarian Party's candidate for President.

Anyway, I bought a "Ron Paul Revolution" magnetic bumper sticker to show my support.

Of course, upon receiving the bumper, I realized that the bumper on my Prius is not metal and the damn thing is therefore useless.

MSNBC STAFFER FAILS TO RUN SPELL CHECK ON MASSIVE O.J. RELATED GRAPHIC

WORD “UNFORGIVABLE” MISTAKENLY APPLIED TO WRONG PART OF SEAN “PUFFY” COMBS CAREER

I hate P Diddy a/k/a Puff Daddy a/k/a Sean “Puffy” Combs. He may have some talent as a hip-hop producer, though I think even that is debatable. And sampling can take talent, witness old De La Soul albums for example. One thing that is beyond debate that it takes absolutely no talent whatsoever to simply re-record shitty vocals over someone else’s track, e.g., the Godzilla song that was just Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” and most atrociously the tribute to Notorious B.I.G. that bastardized “Every Breath You Take,” one of the greatest songs ever written.

To me, he’s the music equivalent of Paris Hilton: famous for little more than being who he is. And yet this hack has hung around for years since capitalizing on his friend’s death.

Anyway, Mr. Combs has launched a new fragrance ironically called “Unforgivable.”

I agree.

HEINEKEN COMMERCIAL TAKES FINAL STEP OF HAVING BEER ACTUALLY COME OUT OF SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN

Beer advertising has long contained the implied (and dubious) promise that drinking the product equals sex. In the commercials -- as in the real world -- gorgeous women are irresistibly drawn to oafish clowns eager to objectify them.

The final frontier has now been crossed. A new Heineken ad actually features a "fembot" that is able to produce a keg of beer out of her ribcage.

CHILD SAFETY EXPERTS: TINY, BITE-SIZED MAGNETS MAY POSE HEALTH RISK

Being new parents, my wife and I are now much more aware of reporting on recalls of children's toys and so forth. Anyway, I'm watching CNN this morning and they are talking about the latest recall of lead-laced Chinese toys (this one is Mattel), and this grave-faced reporter is demonstrating that magnets can also be a hazard. The thing was that the magnets he was holding were tiny and round, about the size and shape of a peanut M&M.

Sorry, but I don't really need an "expert" to tell me that this could be a problem. "Up next, bad news about letting your child teethe on chocolate-covered ball bearings..."

IDIOT ON FOODSTAMPS USES THEM TO BUY RED BULL

One of my pet peeves is being in line at the grocery store behind someone who is on foodstamps. I don't begrudge people who temporarily need a helping hand -- though I do question whether the government is the one in the best position to help effectively -- but what consistently amazes me is the absolute rubbish that people on foodstamps are invariably buying. Whether it's some high sugar faux juice or an extra large pack of Cheetoh's, you just have to ask, "Um, if you have found yourself in this position in life, do you think that perhaps you should be buying milk, eggs, bread and other staple foods?"

So, this morning I was in line behind someone this morning who was using foodstamps to buy Red Bull. Come on!

As an interesting aside: apparently Kansas foodstamps will not cover a four-pack of Red Bull but they can be used to buy single cans. Good job, government. Way to go.

CONCEPT OF "PRIZE" BLURRED AS BRET MICHAELS OF POISON HOSTS TV SHOW TO DETERMINE WHO GETS TO DATE BRET MICHAELS OF POISON

The TV show "Rock of Love" on VH1 is something to behold.

PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY NOW OPENLY ADVERTISING CURES FOR CONDITIONS THAT HAVE NO SYMPTOMS

The advertising of pharmaceuticals is really interesting in this country. Often, you have no idea what condition the medicine is actually supposed to cure, and the advertisement just says that you should "ask your doctor if 'Brand X' is right for you." Add to that the recent proliferation of non-problem problems ("restless leg syndrome" anyone?) and the picture gets even fuzzier.

Well, this morning there was an ad not for a medicine but for an alleged condition called P.A.D. (peripheral artery disease). It shows a couple reading a newspaper that has a story about, what else, P.A.D. The couple discuss the "information" contained in the "news." At one point -- I am not making this up -- the commercial says that the condition has no symptoms, and later the couple looks afraid and says, "That could be US!!"

Yes, but how do you know that???

HARD TO IMAGINE SCENARIO WHERE "RUSH DELIVERY" OF TRAVELING WILLBURYS COMPILATION WOULD COME INTO PLAY

We were watching TV last night and saw one of these ads for a 2CD/1DVD compilation of the Traveling Wilburys. For one thing, the commercial seemed unusually long, certainly disproportionately long compared to the actual importance of the Traveling Wilburys.

But what made me chuckle was the standard "rush delivery available" statement. Even assuming that anyone still actually orders these kinds of CD's when they are available online or in stores, is there anyone out there who simply could not wait??

MR. SMITH GOES TO FLORIDA

Amy, Oliver and I just took our first real family vacation down to Florida to visit my mom and grandmother. Amy and I have remarkably bad luck when we travel together, but this time the traveling part itself was generally not bad. Anyway, here are some of the highlights from the past week.

CONDOMINIUM A VERITABLE MONUMENT TO RUST AND NON-MAINTENANCE

As I mentioned, the trip itself was pretty good…at least until we attempted to take the elevator to the third floor with the baby upon arrival. The elevator got stuck somewhere slightly above (?!?) the third floor. Because she was worried about the baby being in a hot elevator, Amy called “911” from the elevator’s phone. On a hunch, I pushed at the elevator door and it slid open easily. (Should an elevator door really do that?) We noticed too late the big orange sticker on the elevator that its permit had expired.

Anyway, virtually everything at the beachfront property had rusted beyond all recognition and utility. That is to be expected at the beach, but doesn’t the condo fee go to at least some rudimentary maintenance?

PIMP MY SCREEN DOOR

For whatever reason, my mom insisted on re-screening a door rather than simply buying a new one and having it installed by Home Depot. Instead, there was an elaborate effort to remove the door and then have the good people of Ace Hardware re-screen the door and actually add materials and features to it, materials and features that were naturally not available at the Ace Hardware we went to.

New screen doors cost around $50, maybe $100 if you wanted a really nice one. I would love to know what the cost of parts and labor (not to mention wasted time) turn out to be on the rehabbed door.

SCENE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE USED TO SELL “HIGH ENERGY” BIRD SEED

While waiting at the Ace Hardware, I saw this package for bird seed. It may not come through in the camera phone picture, but basically you’ve got a male robin or cardinal forming a visible fist and a female bird flying into the scene looking very frightened.

So, I guess the point is that the bird seed is like your birds on anger-inducing steroids or something. Why not show a bird “tweaking” on the bird seed by disassembling and re-assembling a clock radio forty times?

WORLD’S BIGGEST IDIOT POSSIBLY SIGHTED AT ORLANDO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ON WEDNESDAY

Previous blog posts have covered various idiots encountered during travel. However, the lady in front of me in the security line in Orlando yesterday may be – repeat, may be – the stupidest all around person I have ever seen.

I knew trouble was brewing when this lady became boggled by where to go after her ticket and ID had been checked. The thing was that there was not really a choice. I guess maybe you could go back through the line you were just in…or you could pick the other option, moving forward. Then she was unable to understand that she needed to stand near the rope next to the screening line the agents had sent her to, which was unfortunately mine as well. It took the agent saying it five times and even then the women never really understood.

The kicker was when she went through the screener – after, of course, not having removed any metal and setting off the detector – when she apparently became alarmed that her carry-on items had slipped into another dimension when placed on the conveyor belt. “WHERE’S MY STUFF?!?” she shrieked. “It’s in the machine,” mumbled the increasingly irritated TSA staff.

As she vainly attempted to figure out how to leave the screening area (again, just move forward), I quickly tried to put some space between her and me and figured I had seen the last of her. As I walked away, I repeatedly heard her say she was “lost” and did not understand where she was supposed to go next. Someone told her that her flight would leave from Gate 15.

While waiting for Amy to get a coffee, I again spotted this overweight buffoon wandering around like she had been in the desert for days. At that point in the Orlando airport you basically have 3 choices. The gates are broken up into three branches of the terminal, each clearly labeled.

Knowing that she needed to go to Gate 15, my jaw dropped when I saw her walk under a neon “1 – 9” that was probably about as tall as she was.

GOD NOW OFFICIALLY YOUR COPILOT

The Vatican has released Ten Commandments related to road rage. One has to ask, why? The Vatican is an increasingly obscure institution with little to say that is remotely relevant to modern times. Correction: I guess if you consider, for example, railing against birth control in overpopulated, famine-ridden countries, then yes I suppose they do have something to say. Just not anything worth listening to.

Pray tell, what does the Bible say about how to handle oneself during rush hour? Idiots.

INVESTIGATORS: WHAT WENT WRONG WITH 200 MPH DRAG RACE DOWN NARROW, PROTECTIVE-BARRIER-FREE STREET LINED WITH THOUSANDS OF ONLOOKERS?

I'll dispense with the caveat that this is a tragedy etc. etc. upfront, but perhaps this would be bigger news if no one had been killed. Especially on the heels of the other recent footage of a drag racing car careening into spectators that were mere feet away, should anyone really be shocked when a drag racing car careens into spectators that were mere feet away? If only there had been some way to see this coming.

Shiny thing go vroom, vroom. Make big noise. Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

IRONIC HEADLINE

"TODAY" SHOW PLAYS ANIMATION FOR 2012 OLYMPICS IN STORY ABOUT HOW THE ANIMATION TRIGGERS SEIZURES

I first saw the logo for the 2012 Olympics in London yesterday. It is one of the ugliest things ever, and I can only imagine what its creation cost.

People are calling for a redesign, kind of like they did when Atlanta's ill-fated mascot "Whatizit" was unveiled. (Yes, let's give the mascot for an international event a name that's a joke that only plays in English).

The website for the London Olympics also features a rapid, flashing animation that some are claiming causes epileptic seizures.

So how does the "Today" show cover this potential health hazard? By showing the animation, of course.

SOMEONE FINALLY RESPONDS TO WORLDWIDE NON-DEMAND FOR "CLINICAL STRENGTH" DEODORANT

Another in the recent rash of bizarre "new and improved" products of highly questionable value: Clinical Strength Secret brand deodorant. There are any number of products that are at least somewhat embarrassing to purchase in a pharmacy or to be discovered in one's medicine cabinet, but how bad does it have to be to require a clinical strength deodorant? "Excuse me, clerk, but regular over-the-counter deodorants simply won't do because, you see, I sweat so much and smell so bad that I should probably just check myself into a hospital."

Along similar lines, I recently saw a car commercial that touted a "heartbeat sensor" that would detect if an intruder was inside your car as you approached it. Outside of the world of horribly cliched film and television, does this ever actually happen to anyone?

ONLY DANNON YOGURT COMES WITH SPECIAL INGREDIENT MADE UP BY DANNON

I was watching TV over the weekend, and I witnessed a phenomenon that I haven't seen in a while. It was a commercial for Danactive yogurt and boldly claimed "Only Danactive yogurt has L. Casei Immunitas..." As suspected, at the end of the ad this miracle ingredient was identified as Dannon's proprietary trademark. Well no wonder no one else has it.

GOD APPARENTLY UNABLE TO HELP JESUS FREAK PARK

I went into Best Buy the other day and was irritated as I watched a big truck back in and out of a spot twice before finally fitting into the spot. It was particularly irritating because the parking lot was practically empty and if this person had just been willing to park three spaces down, she wouldn't have had any trouble.

Naturally, as I passed the truck on the way into the store, I noticed just how many Jesus-related bumper stickers and related paraphernalia were on the truck. Not a ringing endorsement, lady.

To learn more about the one true God, however, please see: FSM.

WAR OF ATTRITION WITH MISSOURI DMV WON

My Virginia’s driver’s license expires on Thursday. So, after much hounding from the wife, I set aside yesterday afternoon to get the new license and finally get Missouri plates. My wife’s experience doing this last year drove her to tears. It wasn’t quite that bad, but man, it wasn’t good.

MAN IN LINE IN FRONT OF ME HAS MOST OBSCURE REQUEST EVER

There was, naturally, a line at every conceivable phase of the process. I first went to get a waiver of property taxes for 2005 and 2006. (The fact that Missouri’s default position is that you have lived here for 2 years should give you some idea what I was up against.)

Anyway, after several routine questions, the man in line immediately in front of me asked for proof that his father (deceased) had lived in Jackson County for a period during the 1960’s and 1970’s. This took a while to sort out.

ACTUAL REQUIREMENTS FOR REGISTERING CAR HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PUBLICLY AVAILABLE INFORMATION

I had done my research and arrived with all of the documentation required for registering and titling a car, at least those that are posted on the Missouri DMV website. Unfortunately, I was immediately handed a green sheet of paper with the real requirements. Points of similarity between the two lists? Zero!

I pointed this discrepancy out to the receptionist. “Yeah, the ones online are wrong.” If only it were possible to update websites. Perhaps someday.

GOVERNMENT BUSYBODY TOLD TO MIND HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS

It turned out that I had to provide a bank or credit card statements dated January 1, 2005 and January 1, 2006 (or that covered that period). For some reason, it had not occurred to me to bring these with me. I asked to speak to someone to see how much the tax bill would be to determine whether it was worth my time to try to dig this stuff up.

While I was waiting, I noticed a computer in the corner that was dedicated for paying the county online with a credit card. Wouldn’t you know it, it had an Internet connection and a printer. So, I started digging through the online statements available from Wachovia, Wells Fargo and Visa to see if I could print out an old statement that would satisfy Missouri’s completely arbitrary requirements.

About this time, some bureaucrat with a clipboard came over and told me that I needed to put the computer back on the Jackson County home page. “Let me explain this to you. I am trying to comply with this office’s requirements to register my car, which -- by the way – are completely different from what it says on your circa 1998 website.” She persisted, but I simply kept repeating that I was simply making an effort to be in compliance with their policies.

Kind of reminded me of a couple of points in the movie Fargo. One when Steve Buscemi gets pulled over and tries to bribe the cop, which he calls “being in compliance.” Another when Buscemi pulls into the parking lot and immediately turns around and leaves, but is told by the attendant that he still has to pay the minimum. Buscemi says “I guess you think you're... you know like an authority figure, with that stupid fucking uniform, huh buddy? King clip-on-tie there, big fucking man huh? You know these are the limits of your life man. The rule of your little fucking gate here. Here's your 4 dollars you pathetic piece of shit!”

Anyway, she backed off and I eventually printed out the real estate records from Virginia.

“COULD I SPEAK TO THE EYE OF SAURON, PLEASE?”

Technically, the DMV in Missouri is called MODOR (Missouri Department of Revenue). They should really just add an extra “R” and remove the last remaining difference between it and Mordor, the evil land of Sauron from Lord of the Rings.

NEW PASSPORT REQUIREMENT TARGETED AT LAW-ABIDING TERRORISTS, I GUESS

So, I was feeling pretty good having resolved that without having to go home. But then the paycheck stub, Virginia driver’s license and Social Security Card were not enough to get my driver’s license. I needed an original birth certificate or a passport. I was told that Missouri requires “proof of lawful presence in Missouri.” And the birth certificate and passport – which by the way, can be an expired passport – establish this how exactly? And is the thinking that the terrorists will make sure to have a local driver’s license to drive the van of explosives to their target before blowing it and themselves to smithereens?

So, I drove home to dig out my passport. But once I returned it was pretty straightforward and I now have Missouri plates and a driver’s license with an appropriately exasperated photo.

VICTORY, "WHY YES, I WILL HAVE ANOTHER GUINNESS" DECLARED

I celebrated my ability to get a driver's license and plates in just 5 short hours over a couple of cold beers in a dark pub.

APRIL GLOWERS BRING MAY SHOWERS

Here are some recent musings...

GOODYEAR “PROUD” TO BRING YOU AERIAL COVERAGE OF EVENTS HAPPENING INSIDE NONDESCRIPT ARENA IN WAREHOUSE DISTRICT

Like many, I have been watching the NCAA tournament a lot over the past few weeks. What amazes me is how often CBS will cut to a shot from the Goodyear blimp. I guess there is some value of this coverage at, say, an open-air football or baseball game, but what’s the point when everything is happening indoors?

"THAT MOVIE WAS REALLY GOOD," RECOMMENDS MAN HOLDING COPY OF VAN WILDER 2

I was in Target yesterday running errands. For some reason, I decided to buy Van Wilder 2, a movie I had jokingly considered seeing during its brief stint in theaters. As I was looking through the other movies, I saw another shopper lingering over The Illusionist starring Edward Norton. I really liked that movie and told the person "My wife and I really, really liked that movie." But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I had to wonder what kind of weight that remark could possibly have given the movie in my hand.

Anyway, the baby has to learn about the rise of Taj sometime.

BLAND CUISINE, VIOLENT STABBING BY FELLOW PATRON RESULT IN LUKEWARM ONLINE REVIEW

This is an abridged excerpt from an actual user review from the AOL City Guide for Kansas City. It speaks for itself:

…I met someone there last April after not going to the gay clubs very often since I quit drinking. I met a guy that convinced me he was a good citizen. I talked to for a while and we decided to go to the store and get some steak and eggs and come back to my place and eat breakfast and get to know each other. Well he [decided] to get cigs at inner city oil. He made a phone call while we in the store. When got to the Gas station he had a guy waiting on him. The guy approached my car and tried to grab the groceries and the guy i met at the bar let him lean over him and punch me in the face and at the same he stabbed me. My arm missed guided the knife that would of entered my heart. It sliced my forearm and penetrated just a little to the left of my center chest bone (which save me) a fountain of blood was gushing out of my arm and chest…

REMOVAL OF DIME FROM SEATBELT TO COST $170

One of those entries where there's not much to tell beyond the headline. On my way to lunch yesterday, a bunch of change fell out of my pocket...and apparently into my driver's side seatbelt. Suddenly, the seatbelt would not click and when it finally did click, it was almost impossible to get it undone.

The mechanic was likewise unable to do anything about it without replacing the entire seatbelt. My remarking upon the irony of the exchange fell on deaf ears.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY

My wife and I had a baby last Wednesday. He and his mother are doing great. Here are some random musings...

BABYTALK ALSO SURPRISING EFFECTIVE ON INANIMATE OBJECTS

After several days of no sleeping and talking to our new baby, I found that I was just muttering babytalk almost constantly, whether or not the baby was around. The following is a short list of items reassured that they were "doing a good job": a bag of chips; a load of laundry; miscellaneous furniture; a pair of pants I was putting on; and my left contact lens.

WORLDWIDE VIEWERSHIP OF TIM ALLEN'S "ZOOM" NOW AT FOUR

I am a bad movie enthusiast. One of the advantages of being awakened a few hours a night is that I can take in our portable DVD player and watch some movies that I simply don't get to watch because "there's no [expletive] way" that my wife would watch them voluntarily. Tim Allen's "Zoom" -- kind of a mix between X-Men, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and a rusty dentist's drill -- is one of the worst things I've seen in recent memory. Does Smashmouth produce music that isn't used exclusively in lousy Disney films anymore? This one was just wall-to-wall Smashmouth.

INTERNET MOVIE DATABASE CONSULTED TO KEEP INDISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERS STRAIGHT

On another bad movie point, we also recently watched "The Covenant," directed by frequent offender Renny Harlin (Driven, Deep Blue Sea, etc.). The characters were completely interchangeable and the good guys looked exactly like the bad guys, and even two of the good guys looked the same. We had to use thumbnails of the actors at IMDB to follow what was happening, and to whom.

"IS IT SMART TO SERVE PEOPLE IN A HOSPITAL WEIRD FISH"

Maybe it was the sleep deprivation or her overly serious tone, but I have not stopped laughing since my wife said this. Maybe you had to be there (and to have seen the fish).

EMOTIONAL SCARRING OF CHILD WELL UNDERWAY

My wife dressed Oliver up in a dog suit for his trip home from the hospital. I want to keep a secret file of humiliating and embarrassing moments that I can bring out once he starts dating.

SOMEONE AT AVERY OFFICE PRODUCTS IS PRETTY COOL

I have been meaning to post this for a while. I was in an office supply store during the holidays and I purchased some unnecessary labels simply because of the packaging.


For those of you not as cooll as the Avery employee who designed this, the name and address on the label are those of Brad Pitt's character in David Fincher's anti-social epic Fight Club, one of my favorite movies of all time.

WONKAVATOR ADDS MYSTERY, CONFUSION TO HOSPITAL VISIT

This is the very same hospital with the previously mentioned brown-themed parking garage levels (below).

HELLO 2007...

Been away a while. It’s been a really busy time. We have a baby coming any day now and also the place where I work is laying off some 5,000 people in short order. Not the most stress-free time. But here are some musings…

HALF OF COLOR-CODED LEVELS OF PARKING GARAGE SOME SHADE OF BROWN

I went to Amy’s most recent doctor’s appointment. Going back up to the car afterwards, I noticed that the first four floors were RUST, ORANGE, BROWN and BRONZE. Okay okay, orange is not brown, but it’s still kind of in the ballpark if you ask me. At least two of the colors would be indistinguishable to the casual observer. And why would you pick brown?

The top four floors were all blue.

HOPES AND DREAMS COME TO DEVASTATING, HILARIOUS END

I confess: I watch American Idol. My wife’s interest and mine are kind of inversely proportional as the competition progresses. Once the real competition is underway, I can barely stand watching, but these few first episodes are pure gold.

How do some of these people think they can sing? Are their friends and parents actually encouraging them and feeding the disconnection with reality? I don’t really care, it’s just endlessly amusing to watch someone talk big and then have all hope extinguished.

That probably makes me a bad person, but honestly I think the delusional American Idol throngs are a symptom of our entitlement culture. To wax libertarian for a moment, it’s bad enough when simple “need” is the sole justification for getting something. But to feel entitled because you “want” something is even worse. And yet, I think this is what makes most would-be contestants try out and expect a reward when they have no actual skills.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION TO CRUSH SKULLS OF OTHERS WITH MY MIND STILL A "WORK IN PROGRESS"

Without boring you with the details, if I had successfully acquired this ability, there would have been several fatalities resulting from a recent trip to CVS.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE OF PRESIDENTIAL-FUNERAL COVERAGE IS FINALLY OVER

Granted, the death of a former President is news. But do we really need a round-the-clock, multi-day vigil for Gerald Ford. I’m sure he was a great guy, but when the your death threatens to be covered longer than your actual presidency, isn’t something amiss?