SOMEONE GROSSLY MISJUDGING THE REASON PEOPLE LOOK AT RENAISSANCE ARTWORK

STRESS OF UNBELIEVABLY HECTIC WEEK BROKEN BY SOOTHING DECISION TO HAVE IMPROMPTU SATURDAY GARAGE SALE

Once a year, for some reason, everyone on our street has a garage sale on the same weekend. We did not participate last year and were completely baffled by all the traffic that magically appeared. Anyway, a large part of me desperately needed to vegetate on the couch this weekend. Instead, we decided to do the garage sale, which meant that I was hauling lots of heavy furniture and other items around instead. On the upside, we took in about $500.

MORE TRAVELING STORIES

Traveling is always a good source for blog material. For example, this post and this one detail previous business travel experiences. I was out in California at a job interview yesterday and encountered the kind of minutia that I find secretly hilarious. (I took pictures with my phone, but they did not turn out well enough to bother posting.)

AIRLINE BOLDLY PERMITS MID-FLIGHT USE OF PACEMAKERS

It had been a long day, and I was flipping through the Southwest in-flight magazine to see what kind of red wine they offered. The page with the beverage choices also went into detail about what sorts of electronic devices were permitted and when. Under the heading “Always Permitted” was this bizarre cartoon of a pacemaker lodged in someone’s chest.

Even assuming that people with pacemakers would ever consider this as a potential problem, what exactly are the airline’s policy alternatives?

“We have reached our cruising altitude of 34,000 feet. It is now safe to resume circulating blood to your vital organs.” Or perhaps better yet, deal with it on the ground. “Thank you for flying Southwest. Let’s begin lining up. After boarding Groups A and B, we’ll move onto Group DNR.”

INCREDIBLY REDUNDANT ALLERGY WARNING UNLIKELY TO DETER PEOPLE DUMB ENOUGH TO NEED IT

After amusing myself with the pacemaker thing – and drawing an odd look from the woman two seats over for snapping a picture of the in-flight magazine -- the flight attendants distributed some snacks.

I cannot remember the last time an airline gave me actual peanuts because of the prevalence of peanut allergies, but here was a small package clearly labeled “DRY ROASTED PEANUTS.”

I flipped the package over and saw this disclaimer: “Produced in a factory that processes peanuts and other nuts.”

No kidding? I guess the bag with a big “PEANUTS” on the front containing oddly peanut-shaped food does leave some uncertainty. Thanks for clearing that up.

"AND NOW, REPORTING LIVE *FROM* THE SINK ITSELF..."

The concept of local "news" has always been a fuzzy one. Recently, a local Kansas City station did a report on the fact that many residents were complaining that their tap water tasted funny.

The report began at the news desk and then they actually bothered to go live to a reporter on the scene. "Scene" in this case apparently meaning "the breakroom at the TV station."

Thanks for the visual, because otherwise I would have no way of imagining what on Earth you were talking about!

Anyway, the reporter did a lead-in to a taped piece and then when it ended they cut back to her and she didn't realize it for several seconds. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. She rolled her eyes as if to say, "I have a degree in journalism and I'm doing a live report on sink problems?"

CREEPY, LOVE-DISPENSING ROBOT BALLOON "ONLY" PLAYS SONG FIFTY TIMES

Little Oliver turned 1 on Valentine's Day. His birthday involved what some might call an overly elaborate bouquet of balloons.



One of these balloons was a robotic "Love Machine" that would perform a song of the same name if you hit it in what appeared to be its crotch area. Amy observed that the balloon was only capable of playing the song 50 times. Yes, what a shame...

NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT POUR THIRD GLASS OF WINE RIGHT BEFORE WATCHING "CELEBRITY REHAB"

Celebrity Rehab on VH1 is infinitely depressing. After the initial, "Oh, that guy who played that guy in Grease is TOTALLY messed up" and "Wow, that actress who was apparently on Family Matters with Urkel sure smokes a lot of pot," you quickly get the sense that you really shouldn't be watching these people with such wretched, wretched lives.

As bad as you feel for them, if I were the doctor on the show, I would probably just blame them for their own situations. I don't know how Dr. Drew gets up in the morning to deal with people like this.

Next week, I'm watching Rock of Love 2 after Celebrity Rehab instead of before.

FOX NEWS: FAIR AND WHEEL-BALANCED

Fox News is now employing a van of some sort to file news reports. This pushes the concept of totally unnecessary on-location reporting to new heights. Have you ever wondered why, for example, a reporter needs to be standing in front of an empty government building at 10 p.m. to file a report on that recent City Council issue, or why a reporter is standing in front of a store where something happened 5 days ago?

Well, Fox News will do you one better. They'll just show you some guy that may or may not be on his way to anywhere in particular. He's just in a van. He may be helping a friend move a couch for all we know.

The one report I saw appeared to start in a parking lot and then I guess it must have occurred to someone that even the already negligible value of reporting from a van would be lost if it weren't, you know, moving or something. The parallels between this and the "Terror-Alert Van" parodied on The Onion are somewhat staggering.

GOLDEN GLOBES CEREMONY THAT IS ONE-TWELFTH AS LONG AND 8,000% MORE BEARABLE "BAD" FOR REASONS THAT CAN'T QUITE BE ARTICULATED

I [expletive] loved the Golden Globes last night. No two hours of red-carpet banter, no elaborate musical productions to honor the industry's top gaffers, no acceptance speeches thanking the winners' accountants, lawyers and mothers.

Instead -- follow me here -- they simply reviewed the nominees and announced the winners. It all took 30 minutes. I just wish someone would explain to my why this is such a "disappointment" and why I should hope that things are "back to normal" next year.