FIFTEEN-MINUTE EXCURSION TO BUY $20 RAKE TAKES 6 HOURS, COSTS $800

If one thing consistently drives me up the wall, it is when seemingly simple tasks go horribly wrong. This past Sunday was one for the books. After being assured that our old rake from Virginia was still in Virginia, I woke up early on Sunday to go get a new one and finally take care of our yard.

MANUAL TUNING OF CAR RADIO REQUIRES CONSULTATION OF OWNER'S MANUAL

The previous day, I had bought myself a new FM transmitter thing for my iPod because I am tired of burning books and podcasts onto CD's for my drive to and from work. Unfortunately, virtually everything about my Saab is counterintuitive. I sat in the driveway and tried to tune to an "open" frequency but the radio would only let me autoseek to the strongest signals, which is exactly what I didn't want.

The manual, of course, was not in the glove compartment. So, I had to turn the house upside down and -- after stepping in some dog poop -- I found it in one of our kitchen drawers.

SPARE TIRE AT LEAST AS FLAT AS TIRE IT IS REPLACING

My trip to Home Depot started off smoothly and should have taken about 15 minutes. I found a rake and a push broom, bought them at the "self checkout" station to avoid human contact and went back out to the car. Driving away, it sounded like I was dragging something under the car. I got out and saw that my front left tire was completely flat.

I am on a big libertarian kick lately, and I actually enjoyed changing the tire myself. It was cold and windy, so I felt a little extra rugged. However, as a lowered the car down, it became clear that my spare tire was also flat.

I went back inside and bought some "fix-a-flat" stuff, which I could have done originally and saved myself the time and trouble of changing the tire in the first place.

SAAB TAKES J.D. POWERS COVETED "QUIRKIEST @#$%ING CAR EVER" AWARD

Now driving on a donut spare tire, I went to a nearby Costco figuring that their tire center would be my best bet. Despite a small warehouse full of tires, they did not have any that fit a 2001 Saab. I next went to a place called "Tires Plus." They also did not have any tires that fit, but were eager to install some tires that were "not recommended" for my car. No thanks.

I ended up at a National Tire & Battery. They had only one tire in stock that would fit my car, Fulda brand tires, which sounds like something an oncologist might grimly tell you is growing on your kidney more than anything else. Also, it being mid-November and all, I was thrilled to hear that the tires are "excellent in rain, not so good in snow." But I had no real choice.

* * * * *

The kicker is, of course, that our Virginia rake was in the garage.

SONIC BLADE BOLDLY PROMISES TO MAKE YOUR LIFE 0.0004% EASIER

Okay, I recently saw the Sonic Blade (TM) knife on late night TV. It is basically...a knife.

But hold on kids. What if you wanted to cut a quintuple-decker sandwich in half? I mean, you might be able to eat half of that sandwich, but aren't you going to want to share! Have no fear, the Sonic Blade knife cuts that unrealistically huge sandwich -- that no one would ever prepare or consume -- in half. And without the problems of a conventional knife.

The secret is in the fact that the knife has a motor, which you might have thought was commonplace since the late 1970's. Maybe. But those weren't called SONIC BLADE, now were they? Sure you basically end up using this like a regular knife...with all the work that comes with that...but "sonic" means "sound." Therefore, this is infinitely superior.

And remember the last time you needed to cut a piece of bread crossways to have slices of bread that were half as thick? I know I do. Don't worry, the Sonic Blade has you covered.

What a time to be alive.

TO CLARIFY: NEW BOOK IS BY JOHN ASHCROFT, NOT ABOUT JOHN ASHCROFT

I'm sorry, but this has got to be one of the most ironic book jackets ever.