WAR OF ATTRITION WITH MISSOURI DMV WON

My Virginia’s driver’s license expires on Thursday. So, after much hounding from the wife, I set aside yesterday afternoon to get the new license and finally get Missouri plates. My wife’s experience doing this last year drove her to tears. It wasn’t quite that bad, but man, it wasn’t good.

MAN IN LINE IN FRONT OF ME HAS MOST OBSCURE REQUEST EVER

There was, naturally, a line at every conceivable phase of the process. I first went to get a waiver of property taxes for 2005 and 2006. (The fact that Missouri’s default position is that you have lived here for 2 years should give you some idea what I was up against.)

Anyway, after several routine questions, the man in line immediately in front of me asked for proof that his father (deceased) had lived in Jackson County for a period during the 1960’s and 1970’s. This took a while to sort out.

ACTUAL REQUIREMENTS FOR REGISTERING CAR HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PUBLICLY AVAILABLE INFORMATION

I had done my research and arrived with all of the documentation required for registering and titling a car, at least those that are posted on the Missouri DMV website. Unfortunately, I was immediately handed a green sheet of paper with the real requirements. Points of similarity between the two lists? Zero!

I pointed this discrepancy out to the receptionist. “Yeah, the ones online are wrong.” If only it were possible to update websites. Perhaps someday.

GOVERNMENT BUSYBODY TOLD TO MIND HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS

It turned out that I had to provide a bank or credit card statements dated January 1, 2005 and January 1, 2006 (or that covered that period). For some reason, it had not occurred to me to bring these with me. I asked to speak to someone to see how much the tax bill would be to determine whether it was worth my time to try to dig this stuff up.

While I was waiting, I noticed a computer in the corner that was dedicated for paying the county online with a credit card. Wouldn’t you know it, it had an Internet connection and a printer. So, I started digging through the online statements available from Wachovia, Wells Fargo and Visa to see if I could print out an old statement that would satisfy Missouri’s completely arbitrary requirements.

About this time, some bureaucrat with a clipboard came over and told me that I needed to put the computer back on the Jackson County home page. “Let me explain this to you. I am trying to comply with this office’s requirements to register my car, which -- by the way – are completely different from what it says on your circa 1998 website.” She persisted, but I simply kept repeating that I was simply making an effort to be in compliance with their policies.

Kind of reminded me of a couple of points in the movie Fargo. One when Steve Buscemi gets pulled over and tries to bribe the cop, which he calls “being in compliance.” Another when Buscemi pulls into the parking lot and immediately turns around and leaves, but is told by the attendant that he still has to pay the minimum. Buscemi says “I guess you think you're... you know like an authority figure, with that stupid fucking uniform, huh buddy? King clip-on-tie there, big fucking man huh? You know these are the limits of your life man. The rule of your little fucking gate here. Here's your 4 dollars you pathetic piece of shit!”

Anyway, she backed off and I eventually printed out the real estate records from Virginia.

“COULD I SPEAK TO THE EYE OF SAURON, PLEASE?”

Technically, the DMV in Missouri is called MODOR (Missouri Department of Revenue). They should really just add an extra “R” and remove the last remaining difference between it and Mordor, the evil land of Sauron from Lord of the Rings.

NEW PASSPORT REQUIREMENT TARGETED AT LAW-ABIDING TERRORISTS, I GUESS

So, I was feeling pretty good having resolved that without having to go home. But then the paycheck stub, Virginia driver’s license and Social Security Card were not enough to get my driver’s license. I needed an original birth certificate or a passport. I was told that Missouri requires “proof of lawful presence in Missouri.” And the birth certificate and passport – which by the way, can be an expired passport – establish this how exactly? And is the thinking that the terrorists will make sure to have a local driver’s license to drive the van of explosives to their target before blowing it and themselves to smithereens?

So, I drove home to dig out my passport. But once I returned it was pretty straightforward and I now have Missouri plates and a driver’s license with an appropriately exasperated photo.

VICTORY, "WHY YES, I WILL HAVE ANOTHER GUINNESS" DECLARED

I celebrated my ability to get a driver's license and plates in just 5 short hours over a couple of cold beers in a dark pub.

APRIL GLOWERS BRING MAY SHOWERS

Here are some recent musings...

GOODYEAR “PROUD” TO BRING YOU AERIAL COVERAGE OF EVENTS HAPPENING INSIDE NONDESCRIPT ARENA IN WAREHOUSE DISTRICT

Like many, I have been watching the NCAA tournament a lot over the past few weeks. What amazes me is how often CBS will cut to a shot from the Goodyear blimp. I guess there is some value of this coverage at, say, an open-air football or baseball game, but what’s the point when everything is happening indoors?

"THAT MOVIE WAS REALLY GOOD," RECOMMENDS MAN HOLDING COPY OF VAN WILDER 2

I was in Target yesterday running errands. For some reason, I decided to buy Van Wilder 2, a movie I had jokingly considered seeing during its brief stint in theaters. As I was looking through the other movies, I saw another shopper lingering over The Illusionist starring Edward Norton. I really liked that movie and told the person "My wife and I really, really liked that movie." But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I had to wonder what kind of weight that remark could possibly have given the movie in my hand.

Anyway, the baby has to learn about the rise of Taj sometime.

BLAND CUISINE, VIOLENT STABBING BY FELLOW PATRON RESULT IN LUKEWARM ONLINE REVIEW

This is an abridged excerpt from an actual user review from the AOL City Guide for Kansas City. It speaks for itself:

…I met someone there last April after not going to the gay clubs very often since I quit drinking. I met a guy that convinced me he was a good citizen. I talked to for a while and we decided to go to the store and get some steak and eggs and come back to my place and eat breakfast and get to know each other. Well he [decided] to get cigs at inner city oil. He made a phone call while we in the store. When got to the Gas station he had a guy waiting on him. The guy approached my car and tried to grab the groceries and the guy i met at the bar let him lean over him and punch me in the face and at the same he stabbed me. My arm missed guided the knife that would of entered my heart. It sliced my forearm and penetrated just a little to the left of my center chest bone (which save me) a fountain of blood was gushing out of my arm and chest…