SUPER-HEARING DEVICES HELP GULLIBLE IDIOTS REALIZE THAT WORLD HATES THEM

I am endlessly amused my the parade of ads for earpieces that allow the user to overhear conversations about them. Because I don't think you're all that likely to overhear anyone say, "Hey look at that hot guy across the room!" or "I would kill to have her body." I think you're much more likely to hear something like this: "Hey, check out that fucking idiot with the $19.95 earpiece from TV."

Sigh...where to begin?

For starters, if you have a problem hearing conversations with people who are actually talking to you or can't follow a TV or movie without constantly asking what's being said, then why don't you get an actual hearing aid? This has several advantages: 1) your insurance will probably pay for it; 2) you can get one for both ears and actually hear in stereo; and 3) it is more likely to actually work.

If, on the other hand, you life seems boring and empty, you seem to have no friends, and the world seems to take no notice of you whatsoever, the answer to this problem likely does not lie in hearing what others might be saying about you. In fact, overhearing third-party conversations is likely to confirm your nagging doubts and suspicions.

For example, in the TV commercial, a woman gathers her trash and overhears her new neighbors complimenting her. Here's a slightly more likely scenario:

[EXTERIOR reasonably nice suburban neighborhood. PURCHASER of super-hearing device gathers trash and, smiling, realizes that she can overhear her neighbors talking about her.]

NEIGHBOR #1:

Hey Jill, have you met the new neighbors yet?

NEIGHBOR #2:

No, but they seem really ni--

NEIGHBOR #1:

Wait. What the fuck is that in her ear?

NEIGHBOR #2:

No fucking way, is that that piece of shit they advertise on television?

NEIGHBOR #1:

What an idiot. I hate her.

NEIGHBOR #2:

Me too.

[PURCHASER falls to ground, sobbing uncontrollably, her life exposed as a hollow lie.]

Or, okay, here's another one:

[INTERIOR of a reasonably nice nursing home. OLD WOMAN dutifully fills in her bingo card.]

BINGO ANNOUNCER:

O-47.

OLD WOMAN:

(excited, yells)

BINGOHHHHOOOOWWWWWWWWCCCHHH!!! My fucking ears. Why is everything so fucking loud?!?!

[OLD WOMAN writhes on floor in both physical and existential agony.]

AREA SOFT-ROCK STATIONS ENGAGED IN IRONIC WAR OF WORDS OVER WHICH PLAYS RIGHT KIND OF SOFT ROCK

There are few musical genres that bring less to the table than "soft rock." Watered-down production values applied to cliched lyrics and unimaginative songwriting? You're soaking in it!

Over the past several weeks, there has been a marked increase in soft-rock radio advertising on Philadelphia TV. It took me a while to notice that the ads were actually for two different stations, I guess because I'm surprised that any city can support one soft-rock station let alone two. Each station seems to be convinced that the other station plays *lame* soft rock, not the good kind of soft rock.

In this corner...Philadelphia's elder statesmen of soft rock, B101 F.M. a/k/a "The B" which purports to bring you "today's soft rock."

And in this corner...the new kid on the block, Now 97.5 FM ... boldly delivering "a younger approach to today's soft rock." I guess in this instance, "younger approach" means a different headshot of Carrie Underwood.

Where to begin? First, is there really any discernible difference between "today's" soft rock and the soft rock of the 1970's, 1980's or 1990's? Would your party come to a grinding halt if your iPod shuffled out some Kelly Clarkson or some recent Phil Collins or Rod Stewart (presumably "good") but then played some Air Supply, Goo Goo Dolls, Hootie, or somewhat older Phil Collins or Rod Stewart (presumably "bad")? Do people that like soft rock get to be judgmental of other people's musical tastes at all? Would shoving break out over who listened to yesterday's soft rock? Who exactly makes up this alleged youth market for soft rock? Could the voice-over actor not read the phrase "This isn't your mother's soft rock station" without doubling over in laughter?

As an added bonus, I am pretty sure that each station uses the same f***ing Carlos Santana song where Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 sings as an example of how superior it is.

"ROCK OF LOVE BUS" COMMERCIAL BREAK TO "CRITICS CHOICE AWARDS" AD NEARLY CAUSES WHIPLASH

If quality were a car and it went from zero -- or maybe 45 MPH in reverse -- to 60 MPH (in drive) in less than a second, the sensation might be something like the jolt that I got last night.

Yes, Poison's Bret Michaels is back in "Rock of Love." I think the show's own website on VH1 puts it pretty nicely: "Are you ready to rock, reality TV style? Again? And on a bus?"

I have to admit, it's a guilty pleasure for my wife and me. Partly because most of the contestants act absolutely insane and partly to watch Mr. Michaels' unpredictable reaction to the drama. At least, his reactions would rarely be mine. Someone talking trash to him about another contestant? Instead of suspecting the trash-talker's motivations, he appreciates the information and accepts it unequivocally. Someone such a nutjob that she is quite literally a danger to herself and others? It turns him on.

Before the premiere episode got down to what the show does best -- namely, showing mostly sub-literate women with boob jobs get drunk and fight -- a contestant from the "nutjob" camp performed some kind of unintelligible rap from Bret. The problem was that the words were written on a brochure about STD's.

Anyway, I had to chuckle at the irony when the first ad in a commercial break was for the Critics Choice Awards. Strangely, "Rock of Love" got snubbed. AGAIN!!