MEDICAL OFFICE'S "NO CELL PHONE" POLICY ENCOURAGES DOOFUS TO LOUDLY DISCUSS CYST ON CELL PHONE

It has been another weekend where I am really glad that I don't own a gun. Saturday was dominated by waiting two hours at an urgent care center. Fine, I can actually wait with the best of them. And the office had a policy, as evidenced by no fewer than seven or eight prominent signs, that all cellular phones should be turned off. So, at least the wait should have been relatively free of irritation.

Enter Fat Oaf #1. I could tell he was trouble from the minute he came in. He was sharing way too much information with the poor receptionist, who finally had to tell him to sit down to fill out his paperwork. He would occasionally go back up to the window to talk to her some more...about past foot problems, about changes in his diet, about his plans for the day. And for whatever reason, he was carrying around two briefcases. I can only imagine what kind of business he does.

Anyway, despite the signs, he sits down and pulls out his cell phone to call an acquaintance. To make matters worse, he went into harrowing detail about the cyst that had necessitated medical treatment. He also unintentionally informed the 20 or so of us in the waiting room that sometimes they just drain them but sometimes they have to cut them out. But they always come back.

I was so irritated that I actually moved one of the signs so that it was facing directly at him. After another couple of minutes, I pushed it closer toward him. He didn't get it, but a few other people in the office thought it was funny.

So, then I am at CVS waiting for some antibiotics. Enter Fat Oaf #2, who was either keeling over to die on the pharmacy's countertop or also waiting for his prescription. I am still not sure. He was using both a shopping cart and a wall for support, and because no one could tell what he was doing, no one else moved up to the counter for help.

Good times.

3-D EPISODE OF TV SHOW PRIMARILY INVOLVES TWO-DIMENSIONAL IMAGES

How great are DVR's? Through the miracle of the DVR, I was able last night to watch a 3-D episode of NBC's show "Medium." Amy and I put our special glasses on and prepared to be amazed. Only portions were in 3-D, so the show had a special "3-D" icon that would appear when you needed to be sure to have the glasses on.

Interestingly, the icon first appeared as the camera panned along a flat wall and focused on a series of paintings, which are of course also flat. Pretty much throughout the episode, whenever a painting appeared so did the icon.

As an aside, there was a funny incident when a co-worker was in my office and put the 3-D glasses on and then moved his hands back and forth away from him. Um, that's already in 3-D, Andy. :)

LICE REMEDY A LITTLE TOO EXCITED ABOUT LICE

This is one of those things that probably only I will find funny...but I was in CVS this morning killing time while they filled a prescription. So, I'm strolling the aisles and I spy this product and start chuckling. Something about the extra "E" and the exclamation point is hysterical to me. Like, you can just imagine some formerly lice-ridden soul shouting it from the mountaintop.

Again, it's probably just me.

EVERY TRIP TO "COSTCO" A JOURNEY TO THE VERY MOUTH OF HELL

Few experiences put me in a fetal position faster than a trip to a Costco warehouse. I hate crowds, I hate navigating shopping carts, and I hate looking for parking. Thus, Costco presents a veritable trifecta of intense aggravation.

The most notable incident occurred several months ago, but makes for a good story. Amy and I had gone to Costco and, of course, it was crowded beyond belief. Carts were in short supply. We had placed several items in our cart and then politely parked it in an aisle while we picked up some more stuff (rather than push the cart around everywhere...it's just easier for everyone). We came back after a few minutes, and some jackass had removed our stuff -- some of which was quite heavy -- and taken our cart. Bastards!

NEW LEVEL OF GEEKDOM

During my dream last night, I was actually making mental notes of incidents that would make good blog posts.

It was a very strange dream to say the least. The one headline that I can remember was "White Supremacists Now Using Oatmeal, Raccoons to Lure New Recruits." I swear to god.

WOMAN KEEPS FRIEND, FOUR AISLES OF "TARGET" UP-TO-DATE ON HER CHRISTMAS-LIGHT PURCHASING DECISIONS

There is not much to the story beyond the headline except to add that people who talk loudly on their cell phones in public should have their voiceboxes removed with a sharp Number 2 pencil.

Vegas, Baby, Vegas

Recently back from Las Vegas. Amy and I got married. Here are some of the idiots we encountered...

VEGAS SHOW IS EROTIC, IF BY "EROTIC" YOU MEAN AVERAGE-LOOKING PEOPLE IN PADDED UNITARDS

Amy and I went to see a Vegas show called "The Fashionistas." We thought it would be a fun way to say goodbye to our families and finally have some time to ourselves. At least we had very good seats. The plot, such as it was, purported to involve fashion shows, S&M, "easter eggs" on DVD's and some sort of ultimate choice between good and evil for a fashion designer named Antonio. At least that is what the program said. As there was no dialogue in the show, I'll have to take their word for it. Interestingly, both Good and Evil were represented by women with different fetishes, but the erotic show featured no nudity. However, at some point, there was a guy humping a shoe to loud industrial music.

The show was hailed by local celebrity Robin Leach in the advertising. As an aside, one bartender at a nearby casino informed us that Mr. Leach never tips.

LINE OF MEN JUST WANTS TO TELL THE NICE PEOPLE ABOUT THE STRIPPERS

One of the most irritating things about Vegas is the seemingly constant onslaught of people trying to push leaflets about strippers and "escorts" at you. I actually feel bad for the people that have to hand these out -- I don't think anyone says that's what they want to be when they grow up -- but it gets a little intrusive. Also, it doesn't seem to matter if you are walking with a girlfriend, child or mother.

The last we saw, there is a 25% discount on Melanie while supplies last.

WOMAN RECLINES TWO-FOOT-TALL CHILD'S SEAT INTO KNEES OF SIX-FOOT-SIX MAN

Why do airline seats even recline? As someone who's 6'6", it is bad enough when the seats are in their full, upright positions. Typically, I cannot even get the foodtray over my knees. Anyway, I thought the seat in front of me on the way back was empty, so I figured I would be okay. But this woman in the seat next to it, leaned over and leaned it back. Then, she looked back at me to ask if I was okay and mumbled something. I assumed that she had made a mistake, and I tried to push the seat back up. Turned out that she was reclining the seat for her kid, whose legs barely dangled off the seat.

Naturally, I spent most of the flight trying to burn a whole in the back of her head with my mind.

On the way off the plane, her kid was demanding to keep something, and after a few moments his mother relented. Turned out that it was the safety information for the plane. Yeah, no one needs that.

*****

There were other noteworthy incidents, but those are the ones that stick out.