SUPER-HEARING DEVICES HELP GULLIBLE IDIOTS REALIZE THAT WORLD HATES THEM

I am endlessly amused my the parade of ads for earpieces that allow the user to overhear conversations about them. Because I don't think you're all that likely to overhear anyone say, "Hey look at that hot guy across the room!" or "I would kill to have her body." I think you're much more likely to hear something like this: "Hey, check out that fucking idiot with the $19.95 earpiece from TV."

Sigh...where to begin?

For starters, if you have a problem hearing conversations with people who are actually talking to you or can't follow a TV or movie without constantly asking what's being said, then why don't you get an actual hearing aid? This has several advantages: 1) your insurance will probably pay for it; 2) you can get one for both ears and actually hear in stereo; and 3) it is more likely to actually work.

If, on the other hand, you life seems boring and empty, you seem to have no friends, and the world seems to take no notice of you whatsoever, the answer to this problem likely does not lie in hearing what others might be saying about you. In fact, overhearing third-party conversations is likely to confirm your nagging doubts and suspicions.

For example, in the TV commercial, a woman gathers her trash and overhears her new neighbors complimenting her. Here's a slightly more likely scenario:

[EXTERIOR reasonably nice suburban neighborhood. PURCHASER of super-hearing device gathers trash and, smiling, realizes that she can overhear her neighbors talking about her.]

NEIGHBOR #1:

Hey Jill, have you met the new neighbors yet?

NEIGHBOR #2:

No, but they seem really ni--

NEIGHBOR #1:

Wait. What the fuck is that in her ear?

NEIGHBOR #2:

No fucking way, is that that piece of shit they advertise on television?

NEIGHBOR #1:

What an idiot. I hate her.

NEIGHBOR #2:

Me too.

[PURCHASER falls to ground, sobbing uncontrollably, her life exposed as a hollow lie.]

Or, okay, here's another one:

[INTERIOR of a reasonably nice nursing home. OLD WOMAN dutifully fills in her bingo card.]

BINGO ANNOUNCER:

O-47.

OLD WOMAN:

(excited, yells)

BINGOHHHHOOOOWWWWWWWWCCCHHH!!! My fucking ears. Why is everything so fucking loud?!?!

[OLD WOMAN writhes on floor in both physical and existential agony.]