CONCEPT OF "PRIZE" BLURRED AS BRET MICHAELS OF POISON HOSTS TV SHOW TO DETERMINE WHO GETS TO DATE BRET MICHAELS OF POISON

The TV show "Rock of Love" on VH1 is something to behold.

PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY NOW OPENLY ADVERTISING CURES FOR CONDITIONS THAT HAVE NO SYMPTOMS

The advertising of pharmaceuticals is really interesting in this country. Often, you have no idea what condition the medicine is actually supposed to cure, and the advertisement just says that you should "ask your doctor if 'Brand X' is right for you." Add to that the recent proliferation of non-problem problems ("restless leg syndrome" anyone?) and the picture gets even fuzzier.

Well, this morning there was an ad not for a medicine but for an alleged condition called P.A.D. (peripheral artery disease). It shows a couple reading a newspaper that has a story about, what else, P.A.D. The couple discuss the "information" contained in the "news." At one point -- I am not making this up -- the commercial says that the condition has no symptoms, and later the couple looks afraid and says, "That could be US!!"

Yes, but how do you know that???

HARD TO IMAGINE SCENARIO WHERE "RUSH DELIVERY" OF TRAVELING WILLBURYS COMPILATION WOULD COME INTO PLAY

We were watching TV last night and saw one of these ads for a 2CD/1DVD compilation of the Traveling Wilburys. For one thing, the commercial seemed unusually long, certainly disproportionately long compared to the actual importance of the Traveling Wilburys.

But what made me chuckle was the standard "rush delivery available" statement. Even assuming that anyone still actually orders these kinds of CD's when they are available online or in stores, is there anyone out there who simply could not wait??

MR. SMITH GOES TO FLORIDA

Amy, Oliver and I just took our first real family vacation down to Florida to visit my mom and grandmother. Amy and I have remarkably bad luck when we travel together, but this time the traveling part itself was generally not bad. Anyway, here are some of the highlights from the past week.

CONDOMINIUM A VERITABLE MONUMENT TO RUST AND NON-MAINTENANCE

As I mentioned, the trip itself was pretty good…at least until we attempted to take the elevator to the third floor with the baby upon arrival. The elevator got stuck somewhere slightly above (?!?) the third floor. Because she was worried about the baby being in a hot elevator, Amy called “911” from the elevator’s phone. On a hunch, I pushed at the elevator door and it slid open easily. (Should an elevator door really do that?) We noticed too late the big orange sticker on the elevator that its permit had expired.

Anyway, virtually everything at the beachfront property had rusted beyond all recognition and utility. That is to be expected at the beach, but doesn’t the condo fee go to at least some rudimentary maintenance?

PIMP MY SCREEN DOOR

For whatever reason, my mom insisted on re-screening a door rather than simply buying a new one and having it installed by Home Depot. Instead, there was an elaborate effort to remove the door and then have the good people of Ace Hardware re-screen the door and actually add materials and features to it, materials and features that were naturally not available at the Ace Hardware we went to.

New screen doors cost around $50, maybe $100 if you wanted a really nice one. I would love to know what the cost of parts and labor (not to mention wasted time) turn out to be on the rehabbed door.

SCENE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE USED TO SELL “HIGH ENERGY” BIRD SEED

While waiting at the Ace Hardware, I saw this package for bird seed. It may not come through in the camera phone picture, but basically you’ve got a male robin or cardinal forming a visible fist and a female bird flying into the scene looking very frightened.

So, I guess the point is that the bird seed is like your birds on anger-inducing steroids or something. Why not show a bird “tweaking” on the bird seed by disassembling and re-assembling a clock radio forty times?

WORLD’S BIGGEST IDIOT POSSIBLY SIGHTED AT ORLANDO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ON WEDNESDAY

Previous blog posts have covered various idiots encountered during travel. However, the lady in front of me in the security line in Orlando yesterday may be – repeat, may be – the stupidest all around person I have ever seen.

I knew trouble was brewing when this lady became boggled by where to go after her ticket and ID had been checked. The thing was that there was not really a choice. I guess maybe you could go back through the line you were just in…or you could pick the other option, moving forward. Then she was unable to understand that she needed to stand near the rope next to the screening line the agents had sent her to, which was unfortunately mine as well. It took the agent saying it five times and even then the women never really understood.

The kicker was when she went through the screener – after, of course, not having removed any metal and setting off the detector – when she apparently became alarmed that her carry-on items had slipped into another dimension when placed on the conveyor belt. “WHERE’S MY STUFF?!?” she shrieked. “It’s in the machine,” mumbled the increasingly irritated TSA staff.

As she vainly attempted to figure out how to leave the screening area (again, just move forward), I quickly tried to put some space between her and me and figured I had seen the last of her. As I walked away, I repeatedly heard her say she was “lost” and did not understand where she was supposed to go next. Someone told her that her flight would leave from Gate 15.

While waiting for Amy to get a coffee, I again spotted this overweight buffoon wandering around like she had been in the desert for days. At that point in the Orlando airport you basically have 3 choices. The gates are broken up into three branches of the terminal, each clearly labeled.

Knowing that she needed to go to Gate 15, my jaw dropped when I saw her walk under a neon “1 – 9” that was probably about as tall as she was.