A VISIT TO FALWELL'S HOME

Amy and I were down in Lynchburg, VA last weekend to support Amy's mother after a pretty serious operation. She is doing about as well as can be expected, which the most important thing. But these are a close second...

EVERY ROAD BETWEEN D.C. AND LYNCHBURG SOME ITERATION OF US-29

I had flown in from Kansas City, arriving around midnight to news that the surgery was going to be both more serious and earlier than previously thought. Having been out of pocket for the week, I stayed up until 3 a.m. taking care of some work to be able to hit the road. Amy had left on Thursday but printed out directions for me to the hospital in Lynchburg. Only once I was on the road did I realize that they were from MapQuest (d/b/a Satan).

According to MapQuest's directions -- which naturally did not follow the easiest path to begin with -- there otherwise should have been about three turns in the whole trip and most of it involved US-29. What the directions failed to mention was that a typical traveler would encounter approximately 400 different US-29's along the way.

It started almost immediately, as there was a US-29 going south off of I-66 earlier than anticipated. I gathered that this was not the right one, and took the correct US-29 a few miles later. At some point, according to MapQuest, I needed to switch to US-29 (Business). Because of the overly complicated initial directions that I ignored, all of the mileage guides were useless. I passed dozens of US-29 Businesses as I headed south.

I knew I was in trouble when I hit an exit ramp off of US-29 -- the first of many -- that were also exits for US-29. Anyway, I seemed to pick the right US-29 until I got very near Lynchburg.

The "directions" said take the "US-29 BR ramp." Conveniently, MapQuest had not specified a particular direction to head, i.e., north, south, east, west. I took the first one heading north. Then I hit the various road signs that indicated that any of three directions were the way to go to stay on US-29. I picked one nearly at random and soon found myself in the middle of nowhere. I turned around but was not able to backtrack to the same US-29.

I soon found myself -- I thought -- off of US-29, so I turned around again. Except that it was apparently a version of US-29. After releasing a monumental primal scream, I pulled into a Kroger to get directions.

MAN LOOKING FOR HOSPITAL EMPHATICALLY TOLD NOT TO FOLLOW HOSPITAL SIGNS

Once inside the Kroger, the trip turned from frustrating into absolutely absurd and hilarious. The third person I asked knew how to get to the hospital. However, she stressed that I should not follow the blue "H" signs and arrows.

I headed back out. Now I was looking for 501N. Amazingly, the exit for 501 North was the same exit for a US-29 South. I wandered if some kind of whole in time/space had opened up.

Eventually, I got lost again and decided to follow the blue hospital signs...the thinking being that whatever hospital they led to would know where the other hospital was. As I was operating on three hours of sleep, I also considered slicing a finger off and telling the ambulance to take me to Virginia Baptist.

After having spent about three hours covering every inch of Lynchburg, I finally made arrangements to have a family friend come find me and bring me in.

VAPID TEENAGERS ATTEMPT TO BREAK IN LINE

Amy had not eaten. We ended up going to a Mexican restaurant. It was crowded, and the line kind of wrapped around a little. It was irritating because people that had just come in did not seem to understand where the line started, and those of us in line began to bond over our irritation.

Enter two incredibly vapid teenage girls who are clearly trying to emulate Ms. Spears and Paris Hilton, respectively. They hovered by the front of the line and when a space opened up, they made nervous faces and attempted to be next.

"Hey Britney. The line goes this way," said yours truly. Others also yelled at them. They feigned ignorance and said, "Oh, sorry." To which I muttered, "No shit."

RESTAURANT WITH "THAI" IN ITS NAME NEEDS SIGN EXPLAINING "THIS IS NOT A CHINESE RESTAURANT"

I initially thought that the restaurant was stupid, but Amy pointed out that it was, in fact, the Lynchburg populace.

WOLF PERSONALITY OF MULTIPLE-PERSONALITY-DISORDER SUFFERER SOMEHOW GOES UNDIAGNOSED

Apparently one of the parents of someone in Lynchburg was recently diagnosed with multiple-personality disorder. Obviously, this is not funny. What is a little funny is that one of the personalities is a wolf. Wouldn't this raise some red flags over the years? "Honey, who disembowelled all these chickens in the living room?"

DIVE BAR APPARENTLY A GOOD PLACE TO DO MARRIAGE COUNSELING

I think we ate three consecutive meals at the same dive bar near the hospital. On our way back out of town, we had lunch there. At the other end of our table was some guy with a plastic name tag giving extensive marital advice to some woman about her unappreciative husband, Tim. It was just kind of bizarre.

MAN NEARLY REPLIES TO EMAIL FROM FRIEND WHO IS DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS HOUSE

Yes, my tendency to avoid actual human interaction approached new lows last night. Or highs, depending on how you look at it, I suppose.

COMMUTERS KIND OF HOPING TRUCK DRIVER THAT CAUSED HUGE BACKUP WAS DEAD.

I view getting stuck in unexpected traffic a little bit like waiting in line for something. It's like waiting to see a new exhibition at the American Museum of Roadway Carnage. The longer the backup, the higher your expectations get. So, I was incredibly disappointed that a rumored overturned truck on the GW Parkway last night turned out to be merely stalled on the side of the road. Maybe next time.