Source: Weekend Chock Full 'O Idiots

It was a long weekend and there seemed to be idiots at every turn. Here are the headlines...

METRORAIL DECIDES WEEKEND WITH HUGE INFLUX OF OUT-OF-TOWNERS "AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY" TO WREAK HAVOC WITH METRO SYSTEM

Perhaps I should have turned around when I saw stickers warning of "huge delays," but I was already running late for meeting my friends downtown for breakfast and was not about to drive downtown due to the road closings for the big anti-war protest (my ultimate destination...and more about that later).

So, I get up to the platform and -- wouldn't you know it -- Metro has decided to do routine rail maintenance on the Yellow/Blue and Green lines. So, trains in both directions would be sharing a single track for a large portion of my trip into D.C. The cynic in me can almost hear Karl Rove making the call to request this.

But let's see...there is a huge protest scheduled that involves more out-of-towners than normal coming into our fair city. In addition, an enormous book festival is going on and a number of volunteers and attendees are trying to get to that, too. Now, I am a person who has been known to derive sinister pleasure from standing in front of the Metro map on trains just to frustrate tourists who don't know where they are going, but to have huge legs of the system be essentially out of service seems kind of stupid.

Eventually, I got on the first train headed in the general direction I wanted.

LOUD TALKERS THRILL SUBWAY CAR WITH UNINFORMED DEBATE

Ultimately, I had to switch trains to avoid a loud group of people who -- given the anti-war march -- seemed determined to "out liberal" each other. This was my big concern about going to the march...that, as a small-government libertarian, I would actually find myself repulsed by many of the views expressed. (ASIDE: I attended basically because I think it's pretty clear that the initial justifications for the war in Iraq have been revealed as completely mistaken and I'm pretty pissed off about it, especially when I've got two cousins over there now. However, I don't really think that we can pull out now because that would just invite Civil War and additional atrocities. Having f***ed things up, we're kind of on the hook for fixing it.)

So, hearing people who have apparently researched the issues by reviewing a few bumper stickers talk so loud that the whole train car has no choice but to listen to their well-intentioned-but-completely-underinformed opinions was like nails on a chalkboard.

At the first available stop, I got off and took the next train just to get away from the loud talkers.

BURNOUTS RALLY AGAINST WAR, BATHS

After a pretty good breakfast, we made our way down to the protest. It was kind of interesting to participate, but it became pretty clear that I had perhaps made a mistake. We had a good laugh at some religious nut who was screaming into a megaphone about his "vengeful god." There were also some LaRouche supporters out and their literature is always unintentionally amusing.

But as for the masses, a large number were clearly knee-jerk liberals that were just kind of happy to protest something. I wish the march had been limited to a "this war sucks" platform, but almost every other issue under the sun was also addressed. For example, we stood for a long time next to a pro-Venezuela contingent that -- although their voices were completely distorted and in Spanish -- were evidently out to support Chavez. What does that really have to do with this?

The march was poorly organized. We stood in place for about 3 hours and I got progressively more irritated about being out in society.

HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 2008 CALLS FOR CREATION OF SOCIALIST STATE, INCREASED ALLOWANCE

There were many mock-worthy attendees, but probably my favorite was the group of middle-school socialists. They were beating the requisite "peace drum" and had made various anti-capitalist posters (presumably with surplus school supplies). Sorry, but try working for a living and then talk to me about how lazy idiots should get a big chunk of your paycheck. And I don't think Engels or Marx lived in their mommie's basement.

I concluded that people who base their thinking on the value and power of the individual should probably not participate in mass rallies of any kind.

NON-DRINKER THOROUGHLY QUESTIONS HOSTESS ABOUT IRISH PUB'S "MUG CLUB"

I bailed out of the protest at the earliest opportunity. Of course, the Metro maintenance work was still going on. My train stopped a few stops from home and dumped everyone out. After waiting for about 20 minutes, I announced to a few people I had been talking with that "this sounds like a job for my fiancee...I'm heading to the Irish pub."

At this point, I basically wanted to have a Guinness and (more importantly) a good ten-foot buffer separating me from any other person. Unfortunately, the Notre Dame game was on, so the inside of the bar was packed. I got a table outside, which was actually just perfect.

The hostess eventually seated another person near me. The whole way out, he had been asking her about the "mug club." As a former member, this is a deal where they keep a large mug at the bar and you can drink from it when you're at the bar. Anyway, this guy asked her probably 8 to 10 questions about the club before concluding "well, I'm not much of a drinker so it probably wouldn't benefit me much."

Eventually Amy showed up and saved me. But not before a planned commitment of a few hours had stretched into a day-long ordeal.

CLERK IN CHARGE OF RETURNS DISPUTES WHETHER ONLINE ORDER THAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER ACTUALLY SHIPPED

Only one real idiot sighting on Sunday.

I ordered two large fireproof folders online so that Amy and I could put our important stuff in them in case of a fire or disaster. I had no idea that these things were so large and were 90 pounds each. Anyway, it became clear that we only needed one, so after I got Amy to call to confirm we could return online orders at the physical store, we were off with the extra one.

I lugged the box out to the car and then from the car into the store and produced the invoice that came with the rest of the order. (Did I mention the box was heavy?)

Anyway, the clerk studied the invoice for a long time, and we were a little confused. Finally, she said, "This says that zero of this item shipped." Oh well, then the 90-pound item I just brought in must be some kind of mirage...no wait, it's still right here.