SUPER-HEARING DEVICES HELP GULLIBLE IDIOTS REALIZE THAT WORLD HATES THEM

I am endlessly amused my the parade of ads for earpieces that allow the user to overhear conversations about them. Because I don't think you're all that likely to overhear anyone say, "Hey look at that hot guy across the room!" or "I would kill to have her body." I think you're much more likely to hear something like this: "Hey, check out that fucking idiot with the $19.95 earpiece from TV."

Sigh...where to begin?

For starters, if you have a problem hearing conversations with people who are actually talking to you or can't follow a TV or movie without constantly asking what's being said, then why don't you get an actual hearing aid? This has several advantages: 1) your insurance will probably pay for it; 2) you can get one for both ears and actually hear in stereo; and 3) it is more likely to actually work.

If, on the other hand, you life seems boring and empty, you seem to have no friends, and the world seems to take no notice of you whatsoever, the answer to this problem likely does not lie in hearing what others might be saying about you. In fact, overhearing third-party conversations is likely to confirm your nagging doubts and suspicions.

For example, in the TV commercial, a woman gathers her trash and overhears her new neighbors complimenting her. Here's a slightly more likely scenario:

[EXTERIOR reasonably nice suburban neighborhood. PURCHASER of super-hearing device gathers trash and, smiling, realizes that she can overhear her neighbors talking about her.]

NEIGHBOR #1:

Hey Jill, have you met the new neighbors yet?

NEIGHBOR #2:

No, but they seem really ni--

NEIGHBOR #1:

Wait. What the fuck is that in her ear?

NEIGHBOR #2:

No fucking way, is that that piece of shit they advertise on television?

NEIGHBOR #1:

What an idiot. I hate her.

NEIGHBOR #2:

Me too.

[PURCHASER falls to ground, sobbing uncontrollably, her life exposed as a hollow lie.]

Or, okay, here's another one:

[INTERIOR of a reasonably nice nursing home. OLD WOMAN dutifully fills in her bingo card.]

BINGO ANNOUNCER:

O-47.

OLD WOMAN:

(excited, yells)

BINGOHHHHOOOOWWWWWWWWCCCHHH!!! My fucking ears. Why is everything so fucking loud?!?!

[OLD WOMAN writhes on floor in both physical and existential agony.]

AREA SOFT-ROCK STATIONS ENGAGED IN IRONIC WAR OF WORDS OVER WHICH PLAYS RIGHT KIND OF SOFT ROCK

There are few musical genres that bring less to the table than "soft rock." Watered-down production values applied to cliched lyrics and unimaginative songwriting? You're soaking in it!

Over the past several weeks, there has been a marked increase in soft-rock radio advertising on Philadelphia TV. It took me a while to notice that the ads were actually for two different stations, I guess because I'm surprised that any city can support one soft-rock station let alone two. Each station seems to be convinced that the other station plays *lame* soft rock, not the good kind of soft rock.

In this corner...Philadelphia's elder statesmen of soft rock, B101 F.M. a/k/a "The B" which purports to bring you "today's soft rock."

And in this corner...the new kid on the block, Now 97.5 FM ... boldly delivering "a younger approach to today's soft rock." I guess in this instance, "younger approach" means a different headshot of Carrie Underwood.

Where to begin? First, is there really any discernible difference between "today's" soft rock and the soft rock of the 1970's, 1980's or 1990's? Would your party come to a grinding halt if your iPod shuffled out some Kelly Clarkson or some recent Phil Collins or Rod Stewart (presumably "good") but then played some Air Supply, Goo Goo Dolls, Hootie, or somewhat older Phil Collins or Rod Stewart (presumably "bad")? Do people that like soft rock get to be judgmental of other people's musical tastes at all? Would shoving break out over who listened to yesterday's soft rock? Who exactly makes up this alleged youth market for soft rock? Could the voice-over actor not read the phrase "This isn't your mother's soft rock station" without doubling over in laughter?

As an added bonus, I am pretty sure that each station uses the same f***ing Carlos Santana song where Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 sings as an example of how superior it is.

"ROCK OF LOVE BUS" COMMERCIAL BREAK TO "CRITICS CHOICE AWARDS" AD NEARLY CAUSES WHIPLASH

If quality were a car and it went from zero -- or maybe 45 MPH in reverse -- to 60 MPH (in drive) in less than a second, the sensation might be something like the jolt that I got last night.

Yes, Poison's Bret Michaels is back in "Rock of Love." I think the show's own website on VH1 puts it pretty nicely: "Are you ready to rock, reality TV style? Again? And on a bus?"

I have to admit, it's a guilty pleasure for my wife and me. Partly because most of the contestants act absolutely insane and partly to watch Mr. Michaels' unpredictable reaction to the drama. At least, his reactions would rarely be mine. Someone talking trash to him about another contestant? Instead of suspecting the trash-talker's motivations, he appreciates the information and accepts it unequivocally. Someone such a nutjob that she is quite literally a danger to herself and others? It turns him on.

Before the premiere episode got down to what the show does best -- namely, showing mostly sub-literate women with boob jobs get drunk and fight -- a contestant from the "nutjob" camp performed some kind of unintelligible rap from Bret. The problem was that the words were written on a brochure about STD's.

Anyway, I had to chuckle at the irony when the first ad in a commercial break was for the Critics Choice Awards. Strangely, "Rock of Love" got snubbed. AGAIN!!

SOMEONE GROSSLY MISJUDGING THE REASON PEOPLE LOOK AT RENAISSANCE ARTWORK

STRESS OF UNBELIEVABLY HECTIC WEEK BROKEN BY SOOTHING DECISION TO HAVE IMPROMPTU SATURDAY GARAGE SALE

Once a year, for some reason, everyone on our street has a garage sale on the same weekend. We did not participate last year and were completely baffled by all the traffic that magically appeared. Anyway, a large part of me desperately needed to vegetate on the couch this weekend. Instead, we decided to do the garage sale, which meant that I was hauling lots of heavy furniture and other items around instead. On the upside, we took in about $500.

MORE TRAVELING STORIES

Traveling is always a good source for blog material. For example, this post and this one detail previous business travel experiences. I was out in California at a job interview yesterday and encountered the kind of minutia that I find secretly hilarious. (I took pictures with my phone, but they did not turn out well enough to bother posting.)

AIRLINE BOLDLY PERMITS MID-FLIGHT USE OF PACEMAKERS

It had been a long day, and I was flipping through the Southwest in-flight magazine to see what kind of red wine they offered. The page with the beverage choices also went into detail about what sorts of electronic devices were permitted and when. Under the heading “Always Permitted” was this bizarre cartoon of a pacemaker lodged in someone’s chest.

Even assuming that people with pacemakers would ever consider this as a potential problem, what exactly are the airline’s policy alternatives?

“We have reached our cruising altitude of 34,000 feet. It is now safe to resume circulating blood to your vital organs.” Or perhaps better yet, deal with it on the ground. “Thank you for flying Southwest. Let’s begin lining up. After boarding Groups A and B, we’ll move onto Group DNR.”

INCREDIBLY REDUNDANT ALLERGY WARNING UNLIKELY TO DETER PEOPLE DUMB ENOUGH TO NEED IT

After amusing myself with the pacemaker thing – and drawing an odd look from the woman two seats over for snapping a picture of the in-flight magazine -- the flight attendants distributed some snacks.

I cannot remember the last time an airline gave me actual peanuts because of the prevalence of peanut allergies, but here was a small package clearly labeled “DRY ROASTED PEANUTS.”

I flipped the package over and saw this disclaimer: “Produced in a factory that processes peanuts and other nuts.”

No kidding? I guess the bag with a big “PEANUTS” on the front containing oddly peanut-shaped food does leave some uncertainty. Thanks for clearing that up.

"AND NOW, REPORTING LIVE *FROM* THE SINK ITSELF..."

The concept of local "news" has always been a fuzzy one. Recently, a local Kansas City station did a report on the fact that many residents were complaining that their tap water tasted funny.

The report began at the news desk and then they actually bothered to go live to a reporter on the scene. "Scene" in this case apparently meaning "the breakroom at the TV station."

Thanks for the visual, because otherwise I would have no way of imagining what on Earth you were talking about!

Anyway, the reporter did a lead-in to a taped piece and then when it ended they cut back to her and she didn't realize it for several seconds. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. She rolled her eyes as if to say, "I have a degree in journalism and I'm doing a live report on sink problems?"

CREEPY, LOVE-DISPENSING ROBOT BALLOON "ONLY" PLAYS SONG FIFTY TIMES

Little Oliver turned 1 on Valentine's Day. His birthday involved what some might call an overly elaborate bouquet of balloons.



One of these balloons was a robotic "Love Machine" that would perform a song of the same name if you hit it in what appeared to be its crotch area. Amy observed that the balloon was only capable of playing the song 50 times. Yes, what a shame...

NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT POUR THIRD GLASS OF WINE RIGHT BEFORE WATCHING "CELEBRITY REHAB"

Celebrity Rehab on VH1 is infinitely depressing. After the initial, "Oh, that guy who played that guy in Grease is TOTALLY messed up" and "Wow, that actress who was apparently on Family Matters with Urkel sure smokes a lot of pot," you quickly get the sense that you really shouldn't be watching these people with such wretched, wretched lives.

As bad as you feel for them, if I were the doctor on the show, I would probably just blame them for their own situations. I don't know how Dr. Drew gets up in the morning to deal with people like this.

Next week, I'm watching Rock of Love 2 after Celebrity Rehab instead of before.